The Best, Most Accurate Takes About The Newly Released Giants 2021 Schedule

Clem5/13/2021 12:05 AM

Here is a schedule release for the #youths

After waiting forever, we FINALLY got to see the 18 events that will decide our happiness for the last four months of 2021 along with the beginning of 2022. Just kidding, we all saw this entire schedule slowly leak hours ago, which is lowkey one of the funniest things ever because it shows just how tightly the NFL has us by the balls.

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I didn't know that gif existed until just now but I'm happy I have it for future reference

We've known about the Giants opponents since last season ended, so seeing who they were playing wasn't a big deal. But when they were playing was important because it turns out the Giants have been getting absolutely buttfucked by the schedule makers over the years.

Let's take a quick look at how the G-Men fared this year!

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The schedule SEEMS to be pretty soft in the beginning before the chaos of injuries, suspension, and weird NFL shit kicks in. But trying to predict the football season is a fool's errand so I'll just give some quick thoughts as they jump into my dumb brain:

- First off let me say that the only game I wanted to see was the Eagles in primetime to start the season ever since the white flag named Nate Sudfeld entered Philly's Week 17 game vs. Washington. I wanted the Giants to mercy rule the Eagles for the entire essence of being NFC Beast rivals, Coach Judge to pants Doug Pederson instead of engaging in a postgame handshake, and Smitty to stub his toe at some point of the game.

However that obviously happen on Opening Weekend, I guess I am fine with a pretty meh out of conference game. We get to slowly ease our bodies into football instead of being in Divisional Game Mode and won't be waiting all day for Sunday night against the Cowboys in a game that will inevitably come down to the last possession, causing Giants fans to be tired until at least Wednesday after staying up until 2 AM following a crazy game along with the requisite cool down period.

I don't love having to face a fully healthy Vic Fangio Broncos defense in Week 1 after kicking off last season against the fully healthy nightmarish Steelers defense. But facing Drew Lock alleviates those concerns. If by some chance Drew Lock becomes Aaron Rodgers, those concerns come back tenfold. Fuck, that is definitely going to happen, isn't it? Why else would Giants-Broncos be at 4:25 in Week 1? FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT GREEN BAY!

Orrrrr Denver starts Teddy Two Gloves And Three Legs. Who knows?

I also want Coach Judge to take the pantsing he was going to give Doug Pederson and give it to Pat Shurmur after this game via the transitive property. Fuck this buckethead.

- My entire opinion of whether or not I like facing Washington in Week 2 hinges on where Ryan Fitzpatrick lands on his own personal performance scale. If he is Fitzmagic in Week 1, I am terrified of him in Week 2. If he is Fitztragic, Patty Graham's defense is going to eat him alive in Week 2. Since the rematch with Washington is Week 17, there is a chance we see both sides of Ryan Fitzpatrick before the season is over. Or considering it's Washington, he will be benched at some point of the season and Washington will be on their 4th quarterback of the season. My hatred of Nate Sudfeld disappears pretty quickly when I remember that if he didn't lay an egg in that Week 17 game, there is a very real chance that Washington would have Justin Fields leading their offense full of explosive playmakers on a team with a defense that is somehow like all first rounders. Hope that night Taylor Heinecke allllmost having a chance to beat the Bucs was worth it!

This is the part of the blog where I remind everyone that Daniel Jones has never lost to the Washington Football Team. Not even once! Everyone keeps washing the Football Team's balls as the division favorites, but I'm happy to have the guy that simply refuses to lose to them.

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- I can't even drum up enough passion to act like I care about the Falcons at all other than I feel like the Giants will have a chance to win this game no matter how much they fall behind. I don't care who the coach or first round pick is. As long as Matty Ice is there, I will think this.

- It would've been a lot cooler playing in the Superdome when no fans were allowed instead of when those maniacs will be going especially bonkers after a year stuck inside.

Also for Giants fans looking to go to a road game this season, I cannot recommend New Orleans enough. Bourbon Street was obviously a blast but the music and food surpassed my already lofty expectations and the fans were over the top nice, even to asshole New Yorkers during a Saints game against the Giants.

- I am already jacked up for this Cowboys game at 4:25 and already annoyed at whatever type of homer bullshit Troy Aikman spews as well as the amount of replays of Dak's injury from last season.

- The Carolina game may be the game I want to win most outside of the division just because Spit Smock Boy didn't even take an interview with the Giants before signing with the Panthers.

- A sincere Fuck You to the Scheduling Gods for throwing both of Big Blue's games against last season's Super Bowl teams on Monday Night Football when all the Twitter hyenas can get their weak jokes off. I'd say only three primetime games is a W, but if this season is anywhere near a success, that will almost definitely mean a few late season games will be flexed late.

- Having to keep all the hate in my heart and wait until Thanksgiving Sunday for the first Eagles game sucks, especially since it'll be on a short week after facing the Bucs. But I feel like Coach Judge will have the fellas more ready for that game than any game this season.

I cannot wait to see this guy:

Shove this guy:

Into a motherfucking locker.

I also can't wait to buy the best shirts in the game from the Barstool Store on Cyber Monday! (It's never too early to promo Black Friday Season here at Barstool).

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- A Week 10 bye in an 18 game season is about as good as it gets in my humble opinion. That also all goes out the window after two or three injuries but it makes me feel good for now.

- If shit hits the fan for any reason in Daniel Jones' third season, which it won't because in this house we are on the Danwagon until the day we die, Weeks 13 and 14 are gonna be toughhhhh if Tua and Herbert are both balling after the Giants could've drafted them last year. Again, Danny Dimes is going to the Pro Bowl this year. But I'm just saying I know how the Sad Boy Giants Fans work since they are no longer crying about the G-Men passing on Sam Darnold, Josh Rosen, and Dwayne Haskins.

- No offense to Big Cat and the Barstool Chicago guys who I love. But the thought of the Giants being able to lock up a playoff spot for themselves and a Top 5 spot for the Bears 2022 draft pick they received on the same day has me feeling some sort of way.

- My final thoughts on the last month of the season are fuck the Eagles, fuck the Cowboys, fuck the Washington Football Team Of The District Of Columbia.

What does this all add up to? A 17-0 record!

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Now that I am the first person in all of the world to make that joke during Schedule Release Day, we can move on to what I actually think the Giants are going to do this season…

17-0!!!