I Don't Want My Dive Bar To Have Good Yelp Reviews

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Everyone loves a good dive bar. Or…let me rephrase that. Everyone who doesn't suck should love a good dive bar. I'm talking hole in the wall, dimly lit, probably owned by the Irish mafia. Has light beer on tap and bottles of liquor, and not a single cocktail menu to be found. You can get fried foods and a pot pie and probably a really awesome burger. It's no frills, and that's the way you want it to be. 

NYC has a nice collection of beautiful, dark, dingy dive bars. My favorite is name redacted. )Side note: You never tell people the name of YOUR dive bar unless they are inner, inner, inner circle.) It has 2 standard definition TVs, plays music from the 1960s at a very pleasant decibel level, and makes a wonderful cheeseburger and fries. It's a wonderful place where I can sit at the end of the bar minding my own business, not being bothered by pushy bros or the hordes of women that throw themselves at me on an everyday basis. 

So now that I moved to a new apartment, I was looking for a new bar which meets all those criteria. And I walked by one that I thought hit all the marks, so I looked it up just to see more about it. And that led me to Yelp where I realized if a dive bar has good reviews, it probably isn't a good dive bar. And this one seems perfect:

Drunk barkeeps calling everyone a cunt? Sign me the fuck up. If you want fake smiles and sugary drinks, go to Applebees. You don't go to a dive for A+ customer service, you go for the vibes, the environment, the unique feeling of knowing the Boondock Saints could bust in there at any moment. 

Here is another perfect review from this place:

Honestly I didn't even know that review existed before I started this blog and it's my favorite thing I've ever read. It's literally exactly what I want. 

And one last shout out to Sandra. 

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If you have a good dive recommendation in NYC let me know…just kidding, I don't want to go to yours and I don't want you in mine 🤝