The Animals At The Franklin Park Zoo Refuse To Fuck Because It's Too Damn Loud Outside

(Globe) - Last Wednesday night, during a Boston community meeting to address the age-old problem of youngsters raising a ruckus, John Linehan, the president and CEO of Zoo New England, made a curious assertion.

The noisy parties and dirt-bike traffic that have become increasingly common near the zoo as pandemic restrictions have loosened had left the facility’s animals distressed, he said.

It was even possible, he acknowledged, that some had grown too flustered to mate.

As he put it, “We have struggled.”

The 527-acre Franklin Park, which surrounds the zoo and connects Jamaica Plain, Roxbury, Dorchester, Mattapan, and Roslindale, has been a particular source of recent complaint from residents who say that large gatherings and ATV traffic have made things difficult — and that includes for the animals.

Every time I get low on humanity, which has been a daily thought for the past year, the animal kingdom shows up and tells on itself loudly and without remorse. If there was ever a time for any animal species to regain the top of the food chain these last 400 days would've been their window, but they're too busy getting in their own way to make any strides. Take, for instance, these dumbass animals too afraid to fuck because a couple ATVs drove by. If these giraffes were really piping it down like they say they do they'd welcome the noise. They'd have their partners going octave for octave with these roaring dirt bikes. Instead they cower and hide like the cowards I always assumed them to be. Long neck horses without the useful attributes a horse brings to the table. You never heard Secretariat complain about a crowd when he had to perform, and that man fathered 453 children. 

Am I supposed to feel bad for these prisoners? Since we're on the subject of animal mating, how long do we have to hold pandas' hands here? Survival of the fittest my Aunt Sally. These clowns sit and shovel bamboo into their gullets, maybe they go down a conveniently placed slide a couple of times, take a couple big shits and call it a day. No want nor desire to continue the species coming from anyone but humans. But you don't see those articles written, you don't hear humans puffing out our chests and looking for any glory here. Never that. We simply collect the panda semen and inject it into the females so that NBA superstars can take pictures with their offspring. 

Without Carmelo Anthony, would pandas even exist anymore? It's hard to prove one way or the other. Maybe he can get the giraffes to fornicate. I don't hear the Franklin Park Zoo coming up with any better solutions, all I hear is problems. Either bring Melo in to get the giraffes throating each other again or tell it to someone who cares. I've got enough on my plate as it is, you can't just roll up on me Monday afternoon and drop limp dick 'raffes on my lap and complain about my suggestions.