The Hackers Who Shut Down the Pipeline That Supplies the Entire East Coast Apologize, Saying They Only Wanted to Make Money, Not Cause Problems

You might have had a busy Mother's Day weekend, didn't check the news and didn't realize that a group in Russia known by the authorities as DarkSide, managed to hack into the Colonial Pipeline, which stretches from Houston to New York harbor and supplies almost half of the fuel to the entire East Coast. 

But if that's the case, you at least became accidentally aware of it if you stopped to fill your gas tank, because the shutdown has created a massive spike in prices at the pump. Just for starters. 

NBC - "We have since determined that this incident involves ransomware," Colonial Pipeline said. "In response, we proactively took certain systems offline to contain the threat, which has temporarily halted all pipeline operations, and affected some of our IT systems."

The company learned of the attack on Friday and took systems offline to contain the threat, it said in the Friday statement. That action has temporarily halted operations and affected some of its IT systems, it said. …

Longer-term price effects will depend on the amount of time that the lines are shut. If barrels are not able to make it onto the lines, Gulf Coast prices could weaken further, while prices in New York Harbor could rise, one market participant said.

But I have good news. If you're angry that a foreign entity could be capable of disrupting critical fuel supplies, threaten our way of life, and help to further tank an economy that's been reeling for over a year now, take comfort in one thing. The ransomware people didn't mean to upset you. And they apologize. 

Bloomberg - In its own statement, the DarkSide group hinted that an affiliate may have been behind the attack and that it never intended to cause such upheaval. Like some other ransomware groups, DarkSide offers to sell its malware to others in what is known as “ransomware-as-a-service,” according to the cybersecurity firm Cybereason. 

In a message posted on the dark web, where DarkSide maintains a site, the group suggested one of its customers was behind the attack and promised to do a better job vetting them going forward.

“We are apolitical. We do not participate in geopolitics,” the message says. “Our goal is to make money and not creating problems for society. From today, we introduce moderation and check each company that our partners want to encrypt to avoid social consequences in the future.”

Well alright then. It takes a big cyberterrorist to admit when he's wrong and say he's sorry. And it takes an even bigger nation to accept the apology. How did Vincent Vega put in it "Pulp Fiction"? While he and Jules Winnfield were cleaning pieces of Marvin's exploded brains and skull out of the back of the car? "Jules, did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits that he's wrong that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings?" Well I have. Apology accepted, DarkSide.

Afterall, what were they doing besides simply trying to make a buck, just like the rest of us? It's one thing if you shut down a major piece of vital national infrastructure that tens of millions depend on because you're trying to bring a nation to its knees. That's a straight up act of war. But if you're doing it to sell your services? Well that's just business. And, sort of cheeky when you think about it. The basis of a lot of great comedic hijinks. The sort of thing the Gang from Paddy's Pub would do to drum up business. Or to go back a ways, that time The Three Stooges were exterminators and filled a rich lady's house with mice, moths and ants during her fancy party so she'd hire them to save the day, and hilarity ensued. 

Besides when you think about it, isn't this a better way for hackers to operate than they usually do? DarkSide could be using their diabolical skills to get steal social security numbers, get nudes off of everybody's phones, or expose married people with accounts on dating sites where you cheat on your spouse. Worse, they could be running one of those crooked call centers where they scam old people into sending them money. When all they did was try to blackmail a major utility into hiring them to protect them from, well, people like DarkSide. 

Sure, there are major national security issues. And it had a huge, negative effect on the economy. But that's neither here nor there. The important thing is they didn't mean it and asked for forgiveness. And who are we not to give it to them?