What has America cum to?

Stayed in a hotel last week in Texas, and since I was in a bubble for a sporting event, I spent an inordinate amount of time in my room and a disgusting amount of time watching TV naked.

I checked the OnDemand function on TV hoping I would get to see some attractive STILL IN THEATRES options like Godzilla vs Kong or maybe that new Jason Statham flick... Instead, I saw there was a full selection of pay-per-view adult movies available.

Made me wonder: Who-the-fuck still beats off to PPV porn for $20 a pop (literally)?

Giphy Images.

And, by the way, that $20 price tag comes with the INABILITY to either rewind or fast-forward your selection… So if you were to rent, say, Damp MILFS Part 5 you would have to watch at least 10-12 minutes of dramatic backstory before a single MILF became moderately damp.

Even the oldest and most technologically unsound traveler has a smartphone that makes beating off in a hotel room an infinitely more user-friendly experience than paying twenty dollars to have someone else drive the broadcast bus.

I, myself, had a laptop, an iPhone12, and an iPad at my disposal last week, and all of those devices had the screen sharing capability to easily broadcast the content of their screens on the TV at the foot of my bed.

So why on earth would I want to take any action that already causes me shame and attach technological regret to it?

The answer is: I wouldn't.

But the answer as to why it still exists is because people are spoiled.

--- WARNING- I am about to get very "Get off my lawn!" right now. --- 

People today have too many options for masturbation, and I think it is eroding our society one easy load at a time.

Back in my day, you had to earn it… A self-love session could literally take HOURS as you were trying to unscramble cable porn or "GASP" use no pornographic aid whatsoever.

Whereas right now anyone with a phone can search "Lana Rhoades", "anal", and "squirt" and get more than enough options to fill their sexual void.

Giphy Images.

As a matter of fact, and in the spirit of investigative journalism, I just did that very search on the old PornHub and this is what popped in a millisecond…  

Most Relevant Video Results: "Lana Rhoades Anal Squirt" 

Showing 1-20 of 961

Showing 1 through 20 of 961 results?… That's arguably too much Lana, anal, or squirting.

I am 49-years-young and I can vividly recall the desperation to find anything with exposed female flesh as a kid… One time, my mother stupidly threw away a six-month-old lane Bryant catalog that I was "intimate" with on dozens of occasions so I was forced to find other material… In my despair, I had to settle on a souvenir bank shaped like the Statue of Liberty I bought on a school trip in the 4th grade.

And it wasn't some hyper-sexualized sculpted depiction of Lady Liberty… It was an accurate replica of that stoic asexual bitch cast in off-green hard plastic.

Giphy Images.

"Yeah, you French whore… I'll give you my fucking huddled masses yearning to breathe free… Take off that fucking toga and I will cover your teeming shore with my wretched refuse."

I've said this before, but I will say it again- By the time I hit my teens, I was able to beat off to a sunset.

But that skill is now outdated. 

Knowing how to pleasure yourself without the help of technology is about as useful as being a world-class shadow puppeteer… It is only helpful when the power goes out.

Giphy Images.

But I will gladly throw that skill into my trunk filled with useless knowledge alongside my mastery of long-division and my (former) affinity for European racial slurs.

Just don't come looking for any pointers next time the lights go out because Lady Liberty and I will be having a date night, and this one is gonna take a while… You filthy Frog/Mick/Kraut.

Take a report.