We debated this on ANUS, but if you could have any five traits from any five different humans in history, what would you go with? On one hand, you probably gotta prioritize money and profitability, but I personally think the overall enjoyment of your entire life—birth to death—has to be the main focus. Here’s my picks:
1. Florence Nightingale’s Bio
I haven’t slithered through the muck and slime of dating apps since the mid-to-late Trump administration, but I distinctly remember a disproportionate amount of female participants publicly and proudly belonging to the field of nursing. It seemed like every other swipe showcased some variation of “RN” followed by a hospital-esque emoji, or something along the lines of “Montclair State Nursing ’23.” This is precisely (and pathetically) the reason I’d choose Ms. Nightingale’s professional bio as my first trait.
Let’s be honest, the hoes aren’t going to bite on anything you accomplished in the field of statistics or social reform. You could be double fisting a Nobel Prize in Peace and Mathematics in your Tinder picture and still get less action than any balding six footer who owns a hat. But if I had Florence Nightingale's biographical distinction of being the founder of modern nursing, they’d be obligated to not only swipe right on me, regardless of how hideous or unphotogenic I look, but also pay homage to me. Nurses and aspiring nurses love nothing more than basing their entire existence and personality on nursing, so in a way I'd be there god.
"Cute enough to stop your heart, skilled enough to make it restar—
I literally invented you, bitch.
2. Machine Gun Kelly’s Megan Fox
There’s certain celebrities you aspire to be like, and then there’s celebrities who you would rather just straight up be. Mr. Gun Kelly, 30, is the latter. A rare rapper who’s also a member of the 4H Club, Machine has height (6’4”), hits (Bloody Valentine, my ex’s best friend, I Think I’m OKAY, etc.), hoes (Sommer Ray, Amber Rose, Kate Beckinsale, Halsey, etc.), and hair transplants. But I wouldn't necessarily want to be like him, mentally, physiologically, or fashionably. He seems angered and troubled.
"Hey, who's that really mad guy with the weed leaf tattoo on his knee?"
"Oh, that's my friend Machine Gun. You just have to get to know him."
Regardless, he seems to have a perfect life on paper: Chart-topping singles, sold out shows, and consistent movie roles. But do you know how annoying touring the world or making a feature length film would actually be? Uprooting your life and relocating for 3+ months to do hundreds of scenes/takes per day just to end up getting an unbuttered stamp on Jeff D. Lowe's website? Pass.
Oh, MGK played in Bird Box? My celiac uncle accomplished that same feat on All Star Weekend 1992 after a long night in Charlotte with Larry’s wife Dinah. And whatever serotonin boost you get from performing for a crowded arena for the 37th day in a row just can’t be worth the hassle and exhaustion of daily travel and screaming into a microphone for 2 hours straight for a local conglomeration of teens.
So even despite all of Machine Gun’s ultra desirable accolades and skills, there’s only one thing I’d take of his in order to further solidify myself as the perfect man in my own eyes: His current significant other.
Megan Fox is the hot girl of the 21st century. You can make cases for Alba or Knowles, but walking around with Ms. Fox, even as merely a platonic accessory, would open up more doors than any net worth or championship ring could unlock.
Like they were meticulously crafted by Rube Goldberg himself, modern women are instinctively prone to fall victim to the Domino Effect. An attractive girl sees another, more attractive girl doing something, and they not only feel comfortable doing it too, but they feel obligated to do the exact same thing as soon as possible. It’s the Duritz Theory.
The second Jennifer Aniston (the hot girl of the ‘90s) decided to sublease her pussy to Adam Duritz’s “sha-la-la-la-la-la-la” head ass, Monica Geller, Nancy Botwin, and Fiona Gallagher mentally deemed him a desirable mate and made it a point to follow suit, despite the fact that he looks like a swollen Silent Bob dressed up as Adam Duritz for Halloween.
I could stroll around New York City, head to toe in the most expensive and exclusive garments, and still be nothing but an afterthought to any given passerby. But walking into, say, 13th Step wearing a conscious Megan Fox on my arm would immediately put me at the tippy-top of the mating hierarchy in the eyes of every girl in the establishment who’s old enough to remember 2008.
3. Kelly Slater’s surfing skills
If granted the athletic ability of any human of your choosing, I think a lot of American men would immediately default to something like LeBron’s basketball skills or Muhammad Ali’s boxing prowess. But hear me out on this one: In doing so, you’d be forced to succumb to a lifestyle of constant commitments, strict dieting, grueling daily workouts, unappealing travel, nonstop cameras in your face, and just general limitations on fun and joy. Never even mind the chronic brain damage from boxing, look at LeBron's “dream life” for example.
“Hey, here’s a super mansion in Beverly Hills, now go spend 20 of the next 30 days in Oklahoma City, Memphis, Cleveland, and Utah getting sweaty and out of breath, basketball boy.” That's just not the move regardless of how much you're athletically dominating in those places. You could put up a quadruple double at Chesapeake Energy Arena, but at the end of the day you’re still just on a work trip to Oklahoma, and that’s objectively wack. Are you a generational superstar or an oilfield laborer?
While Mr. James is cooped up in Detroit and Salt Lake City hotels for his little basketball games, the Kelly Slater(s?) of the world are lounging in Oahu, Tahiti, and Australia on the eve of their “competitions,” which just consist of them doing the hobby that most people consider “being on vacation.” Plus, do you know how cool and hot surfing looks to the average person, especially compared to other sports?
At the risk of coming across as sexist, many women see basketball highlights and just think "big man put ball in hoop good again.” But even the most standard surfing clip activates a primal "I want to mate with that creature" response. In our increasingly digital age, all you need is one measly Instagram post proving you can surf and you’re set for the next 2-3 years. But yeah, congrats on jumping a couple feet in the air and scoring your two little pointy wointies.
Being an elite surfer who doesn’t get pussy is like being an elite engineering student who does get pussy. Give me Mr. Slater’s skills over any “major sport” professional athlete’s anything, 10 times out of 10.
4. Daenerys Targaryen’s fire immunity
I’ll be dead honest, I never watched a single episode of Game of Thrones. Consuming George R.R. Martin in any manner just never felt right to me. But from my understanding, this Targaryen broad is just outright incapable of being injured by fire. That may seem par for the course for a fictional character from a fantasy series, but hear me out:
Full-on magic or wizardry is off-putting. Scares away the hoes. But being surrounded by flames without the risk of being killed or deformed is the ultimate aesthetic. I’m not going to dance around it, being around fire is objectively cool, but being visibly burned, especially severely, by fire is objectively wack. To put it bluntly, no one is turned on by burn victims. But the man who retains smooth, unblemished skin after emerging from a fiery explosion? He’s as good as fucked.
Also, I'd be the 9/11 hero guy. Next.
5. Jesus’ virgin mother
A lot needs to be considered when deciding which of Jesus Christ's traits you'd want the most. The ability to perform miracles would be cool for a good while, sure, but make no mistake about it: the hoes will be scared away if you start reviving corpses and turning things to fish in front of them.
“Why does it smell like a bunch of large mouth bass and poor people in here?”
“Because that dude over there just decided to spawn 5,000 different fish out of thin air. I think he's one of the Imagine Dragons or something."
Sure there’s cooler ways to utilize this power, but here’s the deal with Jesus: every miracle or “cool move” you’ve ever done immediately becomes null and void the second you get crucified in front of hoes. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of anything more wack and embarrassing than getting your naked body nailed to wood by other men. One of my atheist homies called me a pussy for thinking it would suck to get crucified. Imagine thinking you’re tougher than the son. The fucking son of God? Moving on.
Yeah, having God for a father would be cool and all, but then you’re stuck being the Chet to Captain Miller all your life. That’s endless pressure and subsequent disappointment you don’t want in life.
But, having a virgin for a mother would be the ultimate Trump card for a significant portion of your life. You’d be the Sparticus of your middle school and high school lunch tables.
"Hey guys, I fucked Kyle's mom last night when he was at wrestling pract—
"Nope. Known virgin. Look it up, I’ll wait. But I fucked your mom last night while you played Candystand mini golf on max volume in the next room over and pretended not to hear her moan and squirt all over my prepubescent penis.”
So those are the five traits I’m personally going with. Florence, Machine Gun, Kelly Slater, Emilia Clarke, and the Son of God: Florence and the Machine Gun, Kelly, Clarke, Son. Which brings me to my next question: If you could pick any three musical artists or bands to personally perform a concert for you, who are you going with? I’d want a mix of majestic indie rock, relevant pop punk, and the best vocal range in modern music.