The Best Thing About Opening Day Is That The Cubs 2021 Offseason Is Finally Over

Listen up. It's opening day and it's time to put some shit behind us. This has been - without question - the worst Cubs' offseason of my adult life. I don't think I'm throwing haymakers or blowing up bridges when I say that we got kicked in the balls repeatedly this winter. Theo leaving. Not enough money for Lester. Breaking up the band. Len to the White Sox. Rizzo can't get a fair deal. Even the PA announcer left to pursue a different career and all he had to do was sit on his ass and watch the game. I mean you really can't make up these storylines if you tried. But we're here. We made it. The season is actually about to start and that means sweeping it under the rug until next offseason. Maybe not the preferred way of managing conflict and navigating long-term success but that's human nature. We'll worry about it later. 

For now, let's get our minds locked and loaded on a productive baseball season. One filled with Yabos and big moments and huge defensive plays and a bunch of our favorite players dominating contract years. For nothing else let's just enjoy that the guys who won the world series are probably playing their last season together. The core 4 of Contrers Rizzo Bryant and Baez are the ones who survived the whole thing and they get one more bite at the apple. In the words of Lou Brown: 

Lets give em a nice big shit burger to eat

Here's some other stuff on my mind heading into opening day. 

- STARTING PITCHING is going to throw so many groundballs this year that you're going to have Javy Baez highlight reels making their way to pornhub. You heard it here first. They're also going to be durable and eat innings so don't expect too much frustrations. The ball is going to be in play and that means leaning on the lineup. 

- YABO YABO YABO is going to be the name of the game. Sad but true. I will be pounding so many Cubs team overs and game overs this year, it's going to make your head spin. Stick with me though. That's because there's so many opportunities in this lineup and it's basically all they can do at this point. Everyone except Bote and Heyward will be looking to hit 30+ which is insane to think about. 

- DAVID ROSS NEEDS HELP and that's being nice. I mean honestly guys who wants this job. Give him some leeway throughout the season. I don't want to hear any bitching about how the Cubs would be better with a more experienced manager. Fuck that noise. They took a risk on Ross and here's the situation he's in. ReTooling in year 2. That's not what he was sold when he took the job so give him some space to recalibrate. I think he can be a good one. 

- 87 WINS isn't unrealistic but it's also not the most logical prediction. Personally I just think they're good enough to beat up bad teams, and the pitching is going to be there over 162. Maybe not in short spurts, but you'll look back and see a bunch of times the Cubs gave up 4 runs and won. That's what I think is possible and that's how I'm approaching the long-run. Let the bats work around the healthy arms that change speeds and offer different looks than the rest of the league. It's different enough to work and there's enough thunder 1-8 to support it. 

Last thing: NEW BAG POLICY

No backpacks. Safety precautions. Act accordingly.