The time is here and now and all that bullshit. There's your pregame speech. Nothing else really needs to get said because we know what's at stake - objective, unequivocal respect as the best team in the Big Ten. The Illini coming back from near-program death to resurrect one of college basketball's great brands. There's nothing that has made me happier than watching this team grow into an absolute powerhouse and let there be no doubt that's exactly what they are. A bonafide 1 seed that's playing their best basketball of the season.
None of this is news if you have a pulse and have paid any attention to tournament championship weekend. They're rolling along at a staggering pace so let's cool it with the pregame breakdown and pivot into a power rankings of the Illinois Merchandise we just released:
#6 - Underwood Charge
This one is near and dear to me because I want it to look like a camp shirt from the 90's while also speaking an objective truth. Although admittedly most of us would shy away from contact but I still like the concept.
#5. Orange Krush
I like a Sunkist maybe not as much but definitely just enough. I also wasn't allowed in our student section but still - real recognize real. Great student section.
#4. Mask Shirt
My tits should really make the hair pop and pounce.
#3. Papi Shirt
I'm a big curl & flow guy. I also used to like a good headband as a junior high 3-point specialist.
I mean come on with this decision. Just absolutely preposterously good design. It's terrifying to even look at that shirt and not get scared of playing at Assembly Hall.
#1. Masked Crew Neck
SOUND THE ALARM THERE'S A GODDAMN FIRE ON BARSTOOL SPORTS RIGHT NOW BURNING DOWN THE STORE. IT'S THE MASKED CREWNECK. NOBODY IS SAFE. BUY IT NOW BEFORE YOU HAVE TO DM ME LATER BECAUSE WE SOLD OUT IN 24 OURS.
Ohio State is so fucked.