Devastatingly Cross-Eyed Fella Steals A 400lb Slide From A Playground And Mounts It To Some Bunk Beds In His Mobile Home Which Is Fucking Awesome

(WHDH) — A man is facing charges after he allegedly stole a 400-pound slide from a playground and mounted it on a bunkbed in his home.

Dustin Allen Bushnell, 30, of Burbank, Washington, was arrested Tuesday on a charge of possession of stolen property, according to the Pasco Police Department.

Detective Julie Lee was investigating a series of catalytic converter thefts when evidence led her to Bushnell’s home, police said.

Lee suddenly came face-to-face with the gigantic slide, which was reported stolen in December 2020, as she searched the home for catalytic converters.

Bushnell sawed off the slide, repainted it, and mounted it on a bunkbed in a child’s bedroom at his mobile home, according to investigators.

Normally Im against stealing from children but I think we have to look at this story with a different set of eyes for it really to come into focus. This dude, Dustin, is as cross-eyed as the day is long. Not everyone with eyes like that ends up with a Taylor Made partnership or a cooking show. To get to that point, you have to be able to weather the storm like my friend and longtime stoolie Lt Dan. 

Some folks, like Dustin, just dont have it in them. When you have eyes like that, sadly, you get bullied. The impact of bullying lasts a lifetime. Imagine Dustin walkin around the local playground lookin like a cross-eyed freak. Sure, some cross-eyed kids are as cute as a button but Dustin wasn't gonna be confused for that little whippersnapper who was eatin beans in Denis the Menace. Is life hard cross-eyed?

It's especially hard for children. Id imagine there was many-a slide that ole Dustin wanted to gleefully enjoy. But, much to his chagrin, if he even stepped near the twisty slide, the mean children would start popping up like gophers in that wack a mole game made famous by Charles Entertainment Cheese's gaming establishment. They be hurling insults like they were Bob Gibson in the World Series. 

The desire to ride those slides never wanes. I see them now and I think,  "God damn. That's a fun lookin slide." Alas, Im 38 and cannot enjoy a slide because Im grown and would look like a creep. BUT, if I had a slide in my own home, I could ride that thing like old Howard Stern guests did the Sybian machine. Full throated enjoyment.

Dustin did what any emotional abused person did. He saw that 400lb slide and snapped. He went to his tool box, pulled out some power tools, dragged that heavy slide to his truck, hoisted it in there with his cross-eye strength, dragged it into his trailer, mounted it to some pre-existing bunkbeds in his master bedroom, adjust the slide so that the bottom of the slide didnt cover those vents in the floors like they have in trailers, and threw on some tunes. What tunes? Oh… I dunno…

In my opinion, this is clearly a crime of passion that is no crime at all. Dustin deserved that fucking slide and if you don't agree, you're insensitive. Simple as that. Slide, Dustin! Slide until you go cross-eyed blind. Fuck. That's still messed up. Slide until you are a sleepy silly goose. Honk Honk! Slide, Dustin. Slide!