Charlize Theron Wants to Make a Lesbian Version of 'Die Hard'

Charlize Theron does an interview in the new Vanity Fair where she was asked about this Tweet:

I saw that on Twitter you mentioned that you would be down to do a lesbian spin on Die Hard. If you were actually offered that project, would you jump on board?

Yeah, I mean, it’s a great idea. That’s why I replied on Twitter. Because I just thought that was kind of brilliant. I was like, “This person needs to start pitching. That’s a great idea.” And the fact that it would be two women, I was like, “Yeah, sign me on.”

My reaction is this. Some things in this world are important. Even sacred. "Die Hard" is one of them. It's a perfect work of art. The way Salieri described a Mozart piece, change one word of the script, and there would be diminishment. Edit one scene, and the structure would fall. 

It redefined the Action genre forever. That's something I believed as I sat in a theater the week it came out and nothing has changed my mind. It has the ultimate Everyman hero. The pluperfect villain. The best stunt sequences ever filmed. The most surprising plot twists. A romance that is exceeded only by the bromance between John McClane and Sgt. Al Powell. It's got Argyle and Ellis, fercrisssakes.

It does not need to be remade. Does. Not. Need. To. Be. Remade. Let me rephrase: It needs to NOT be remade. I sat here quietly and allowed Hollywood to unnecessarily remake classics like "Bad News Bears" and "The Longest Yard" and reboot "Ghostbusters" and nothing whatsoever was gained by them. A line in the sand must be drawn and drawn right here. If I have to run through shards of shot up window glass in my bare feet and jump to an air vent off an elevator shaft hanging from the strap of the machine gun I took from a German terrorist I killed to make this not happen, I will pay that price. 

That said, I love Charlize Theron. I love women who kick ass. And I love the idea of Imperator Furiosa going ham on a gang of stylish, well financed, heavily armed Eurotrash thieves who threaten her lesbian wife. Who wouldn't want to see that? 

So I have a simple solution that will make everyone come out a winner. Don't remake "Die Hard." Remake one of the 1,500 "Die Hard" ripoffs that have been made since it came out. "Speed" is "Die Hard" on a bus. "Under Siege" is "Die Hard" on a boat. "Cliffhanger"? On a mountain. "Air Force One"? On ... well, Air Force One. Charlize wants to tell her epic tale of a woman heroically saving her wife? How about she saves her at a hockey game. "Sudden Death" is there for the taking, and sacred to no one. She gets her lesbian action film, no all time classic is desecrated with a reboot it doesn't deserve.

Also, while she's at it, whatever movie she does in whatever setting, just don't set it at Christmas time so we don't have to listen to the worst argument of all time. Please and thank you.