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Does Having "Nice Eyes" Just Mean That They're Not Brown?

-Whenever you tell someone, “You have nice eyes” you are basically just saying, “Your eyes are not brown.” I have no problem with you, brown eyed people. This is just how society treats you. (Yes I did use my own eye for thumbnail to avoid copyright photo issues and because it's beautiful. 

-I always get second hand stress when I see a person walking their dog in the city without a leash. I’m not afraid of them or anything, but I’m just afraid it’s gonna run away. If I ever had a dog, I would just live in constant fear that it’s going to run away. 

-I always get irrationally annoyed when a director gives himself a cameo in his own movie. But I also know that if I was a director, I’d probably make myself the lead in every movie. So I’m torn.

-Now I tweeted that exact thought over the weekend and some people responded, “Oh you’re just going to use this again on Thursday.” And sometimes I wonder, “Should I feel guilty and lazy if I include a thought I tweeted?” The answer is no. Comedians tell the same jokes for 20 years, and nobody says shit to them. It’s still my thought. I can tweet it in case it goes viral. And I can include it here too. Case closed. 

-I don’t know what exfoliating means. 

-Funny prank if you’re a real estate agent. List an apartment and say it has “tons of natural light.” Then when you show someone the place and it’s essentially windowless, open the fridge to a 36 pack of Natural Light beers. Epic. 

-Amy Adams is the female Jason Bateman. If she’s in a movie, I will probably like it. If they ever star in a movie together, my head might explode. 

-I got a yearly physical the other day for the first time in awhile. For anyone wondering, my results were mostly good. Slight Vitamin D deficiency but hey, that’s winter in New York City. The good news is I have a ton of folate. Now you may be asking, “Tommy what’s folate?” No clue. But an optimal range is over 5.4. Tommy has 24 folate. Has to be a record. I am considering becoming a superhero called Folate Man. 

Thank you for your time.