KFC had to run out for important fatherly duties so I’m posting this episode of Daily Mail on his behalf even though I didn’t host it. And while normally that’s weird to do, I’m glad it’s one where I could learn about spray-on condoms because holy shit that’s some Demolition Man-level genius future that I need to be a part of. There is nothing I hate in life more than condoms. Sure they save us from diseases and pregnancy but in general most girls I hook up with aren’t complete idiots so they’re usually disease-free and/or on the pill. So what the fuck is the point of this condom thing? I have to stop the process, usually get up off the bed and go into my nightstand to pull the condom out, open it up, put it on the right way…it kills the momentum so bad and all because you have to do it just because we’re trained not to trust the people we’re fucking. I get you have to do it to protect yourself but why can’t we live in a world where we can trust that everyone is doing the right thing to prevent problems? We all get behind literal tons of machinery every day and drive or walk on roads without killing each other, why can’t we fuck without ruining each other’s lives the same way? A simple handshake and nod should be enough to believe that you’re both honorable and on the up and up. It works for Japanese businessmen, it should work for our genitals.
But if nothing else, spraying some sperm and STD-killing bug spray onto your dick before saddling up is a reasonable compromise. Whatever results in us removing stupid oily and smelly latex from the equation is step one in a more just and equitable sexual world of tomorrow.