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I Want These Fenway Park Trespassers Thrown In Federal Prison For Life

What is going on with Fenway Park security these days? You have just as good of a chance of getting into Fenway Park when you're not supposed to as you are to get a new Taylor Swift album by the end of the year. It's insane.

First we had this incident last season:

And now these two fucks breaking into Fenway in the middle of the winter.

I know what you're probably thinking, too. But no, I don't want them jailed for the act of trespassing itself. I want them jailed for being at Fenway Park and not being able to name a single player on the team. I want them jailed for standing on the mound at Fenway Park and thinking that it's home plate. I want them jailed for saying that Fenway Park is "worldwide known for baseball" like we didn't already know that. I want them jailed for disgracing Pedro Martinez's mound. I want them jailed for saying, "I'll pitch the game" like that's a commonly used baseball term. I want them jailed for taking a swing in Manny Ramirez's batter's box and looking like Manny Machado during the final out of the 2018 World Series.

These are all crimes against humanity punishable by up to 100 years in prison individually. Put them all together, and see ya the fuck later. Jail.

PS -- Zero percent chance this goes down if the Mick Man is still working the overnight security shift at Fenway. No way.