North Carolina Is On Twitter Trying To Find A Team To Play This Week - Look No Further, I Have The Perfect Solution
It's the 2021 college basketball season so naturally we have a team on Twitter looking for an opponent. This has been quite common this year with games getting canceled and teams trying to quickly put together something new. This is now because the game against Virginia Tech has been postponed:
UNC is a team firmly on the bubble - BracketMatrix has them as the 2nd 10 seed right now. So it makes sense why they are desperate to find another game. Try to get another win, ideally a quality win. But that's not the point here. The point is to get eye balls on the sport and the game. I have the perfect solution.
Meet the Barstool Purple Starfish
I thought for minutes about the perfect roster. I couldn't add any professional athletes because of NCAA rules. We can't take any violations here as we're ready to compete. I had to put together 15 people on the roster, get the right mix of bigs, wings and guards and round out the team.
Bigs: Clem, Big Cat, Dana, Coley, Brandon Walker
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It's no secret when you're playing UNC you need rebounding and some depth at bigs. What better group than 4 dads and Dana? These are guys who mostly know their role. Clem is there to commit hard fouls. He's got pent up anger with two kids, that's a guy I want on the low block. He may only play 5 minutes but those are going to be 5 hard fouls in those 5 minutes. I'm a little worried Brandon Walker is too Hollywood now, but I'd like to think he'd remember his Mississippi roots here and plus, who doesn't want a dunk contest winner on the roster? I know I'm typically anti-big and prefer a pace and space type offense, but we gotta build a roster to beat UNC. Big Cat is good for a solid 8-9 good screens.
Wings: Rone, Cons, Pat, KFC, Reggie, Caleb
I'm not going to lie, I was hesitant to pick Caleb here. He's too close to UNC. What morale would he pick here? But the fact is putting him and Rone together, almost guarantees a win. Wherever they go, the team wins. That's a stone cold fact:
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Then I want KFC on the roster. Sure, he played high school hoops but that's not the point. We need a blame guy. There's no one better at coming up with excuses than KFC. I'm worried about his sports mush, but he'll be on the bench to come up with reasons as to why we lost. Need the spin zones. Cons? He'll just complain if he's not picked and I don't feel like listening to him. Plus he's good for diving on the floor at least once or twice. Might not get back up, but he's good for that. Then there's Reggie and Pat. We all remember what Pat did vs the Barstool team in the rec league game plus he invites me to play whenever I'm in NYC. A+ teammate. Reggie came onto my radar thanks to the tweets by Dana. Scoring against Dana doesn't look that tough, but Reggie is at least getting reps in. Plenty of wings here.
Guards: Reags, Hank, Kmarko, Gillie
Perhaps the easiest picks were the four guards. Myself (duh) and Gillie getting the nod because Gillie was/is fucking nice. Watch that tape. We have some talent here. Kmarko had that dunk gif and a decent shooting stroke while Hank is known to get hot from shooting. Even though he's a Duke guy, I trust Hank in this game. He hates UNC. Need someone like that on the team with me.
Bag guy: Dave
Fuck it at least Dave can throw the bag at players like Blue Chips and get us a bunch of good players. Prove me wrong there.
Commentator: Jake Marsh and Eddie
A former professional commentator and a guy who is known for skewing snake draft results that he got the nickname Red Ed? Modern day Dave Pasch and Bill Walton. Jake is there for professionalism as well as knowing the game and Eddie is there for the same reason KFC is. Need a guy to go to bat for us on the call. Come up with lies and make up things to skew it for us.
Team dietician: Vibbs
Head Coach: Nate
Experience? Check
Adversity? Check
Coach Nate has been looking for a comeback story and he has it here. But you see it's more than that. It's all about finding the right assistant coaches to work with you and boy do I have them.
Assistant coaches: Jeff Nadu, Rico
So there you have it. UNC doesn't need Twitter anymore, we have a roster and we can get to UNC right away. Well that or you know, just schedule Nova and give us a hell of a game. Nova doesn't have anything going on this week, they don't play until Saturday. Think we all can agree Barstool vs UNC is what the people want though.