Yesterday Sports Illustrated came out with their Ultimate Hockey Movie All Star Team. While they had a few solid selections in the mix, there were plenty of glaring omissions. I get it. It’s a tough task to take on and no matter who you pick, someone is going to be pissed off at you for leaving Player X off the list. But still. Be better, SI. You can read all the reasoning behind their selections here, but I’ll just throw down the names for you now.
G – Denis Lemieux – Charlestown Chiefs – Slap Shot
D – Doug Glatt – Halifax Highlanders – Goon
D – John Biebe – Mystery – Mystery, Alaska
F – Ned Braden – Charlestown Chiefs – Slap Shot
F – Ross Rhea – St. John’s Shamrocks – Goon
F – Xavier LaFlamme – Halifax Highlanders – Goon
Coach – Reggie Dunlop – Charlestown Chiefs – Slap Shot
GM – Joe McGrath – Charlestown Chiefs – Slapshot
Play-by-Play – Rod McCaudry – Goon
Like I said, there are definitely some solid selections on this All Hockey Movie Team. But is this really the best we can come up with? I say abso-fucking-lutely not. So here’s a revised version. Here’s the greatest team to ever be assembled in hockey movie history. (Quick Dislaimer: I’d love to just put down the entire 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team here but that’s not how it works)
Goalie: Julie “The Cat” Gaffney – Team USA/Eden Hall Warriors – The Mighty Ducks
We will never see a glove hand quicker than Julie The Cat’s ever again. At least not in our lifetime. The save she had to seal the deal in the Gold Medal game in D2 was legendary and quite possibly the most suspenseful moment in cinematic history. She’s a proven contender and has found a way to win at ever level she’s played at. Sure, she may be a chick and girls aren’t good at sports, but there are exceptions to everything in life. If you want to skate off that ice with a W, you have to ride Julie The Cat. Or let her ride you. Either works.
Defense: Ogie Ogilthorpe – Syracuse Bulldogs – Slap Shot
If you want the biggest, baddest dude on the block in your locker room, then you have to go with Ogie Ogilthorpe. Kid is only 21-years-old and the most feared player in the game. If you throw him back on D, I can all but guarantee that the offensemen on the other team will shit their pants at just the thought of crossing the blueline against Ogilthorpe. He’s a monster, a savage, and when we get to the forwards you’ll realize that we need his presence out there on the ice.
Defense: Fulton Reed – District 5/Team USA/Eden Hall Warriors – The Mighty Ducks
Out of the Bash Brothers, I’ve always said that Dean Portman was the better of the two. With that being said, Fulton had that shot. Together, the Bash Brothers were as iconic as they come. But separate them and you don’t really have anything to remember Portman by (aside from stripping in the penalty box). People will forever have nightmares about Fulton’s shot. 1 out of every 5 at least.
Forward: Ned Braden – Charlestown Chiefs – Slap Shot
“That’s what you’re paid for, Braden!!!!”
Just a great overall talent and has been battle tested before. Sure, he’s a bit of a pussy at times but that doesn’t mean he can’t still scrap for the puck in the corners if necessary. Far from a power forward but Ned Braden can hold his own out there and light the lamp with the best of them.
Forward: Dean Youngblood – Hamilton Mustangs – Youngblood
Hi. I’m pretty boy hockey playing Rob Lowe and I scored 92 goals in the New York league. Like Ned Braden, I may exhibit some pussy-like tendencies from time to time but that’s okay because eventually I learned how to play with heart and how to play like a man with still having a silky set of mitts. I won the Memorial Cup, I won the respect of my teammates and I got the girl. And I have DirecTV.
Forward: Adam Banks – Hawks/District 5/Team USA/Eden Hall Warriors – The Mighty Ducks
I don’t care who you are or what you say. Adam Banks is without a doubt the greatest talent that we’ve ever seen. Sure, he may be slightly injury prone but that’s literally the only knock you can make on the kid. The only reason why the Ducks won states in D1 is because Banks led the way. The only reason why Team USA won Gold at the Jr. Goodwill Games is because Banks made a miraculous Patrick Kane-like recovery and was ready to go for the finals against Iceland. And the only reason why the JV was able to beat the Varsity in D3 is because Banks jumped back down to play with his boys. He’s the definition of a game changer and the GOAT.
A 2nd line of Xavier Laflamme, Doug Glatt and the monkey from MVP would also be the greatest 2nd line ever assembled. Put them down for Honorable Mentions along with John Biebe and the goalie from Goon. Oh, and Jack Hunter from Boy Meets World in H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.
Coaches: Reggie Dunlop, Gordon Bombay, Charlie Conway
General Manger: Gary Busey in Slap Shot 2
Play-by-Play: Denis Lemieux retires and takes over in the booth.
National Anthem: Little Richard – Mystery, Alaska
And that’s about all she wrote. A lot of Slap Shot, a lot of The Mighty Ducks. But that’s to be expected because they are the two best hockey movies of all time. Don’t get me wrong. I love Goon and thought it was a great movie. But I’ll admit that it’s still second tier to Slap Shot and the selection committee (me) proved that today. If you think I missed anyone that deserves to be on this list, feel free to tell me I’m an idiot on Twitter @BarstoolJordie.