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Punxsutawney Phil Sees His Shadow And Sentences Our Souls To 6 More Weeks Of Wintry Hell

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YOU HAD ONE JOB, PHILLIP! Save us from the freezing torture outside our windows or at least make us think we have a chance for warmer days soon to prevent everyone from completely losing their minds from the last year of shit. Not even the assholes who say "Oh I like winter" because they ski or sweat profusely when the temperature is above 50 are looking for more winter in coronaworld since everything is closed and our hobbies have been replaced by getting mad online about everything.

Instead, Punxsutawney P came up short in his biggest spot of the year just like Playoff P and we will be dealing with Old Man Winter's saggy balls in our lives for a month and a half longer than we should have to, which has me and countless other people feeling like another Western, PA legend.

After seeing all of this go down with no crowd and hearing exactly what is said during that little pow wow, I am starting to think the tradition of having a giant rat predicting the weather is kiiiiiiiiinda weird. I'm all for dressing up goofy and getting a little crazy in the name of content. 


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But all of that chit chat was especially strange and I think that one guy was legitimately flirting with Phil in hopes of getting some tail. Also fuck whoever juiced up the crowd cheering for the proclamation of winter. They should have used the sound bite of an NFL stadium after the home team gets a touchdown reversed by a replay in the booth. The perfect mix of anger and heartache.

P.S. Palm Springs is essentially a modern day Groundhog Day with Andy Samberg, J.K. Simmons, and the mom from How I Met Your Mother (I feel like that's who she will always be in my eyes for the rest of her life). It's a fun and enjoyable flick that is only 90 minutes long. So if you are looking for something to do inside as this winter of discontent continues for another 6 weeks, check out Palm Springs.

P.P.S. Fuck you Phil.