We Have The Numbers: Episode 2 Of Surviving Barstool

“We have the Numbers”  

I guess it depends on what you mean by we… THEY certainly did have the fucking numbers I just didn’t know the bullets were all pointed at me. 

It appears the homies were PRESSED. 

By now you’ve seen that I was deceived, played, downright blindsided out of Surviving Barstool. A week later, with some time to cool off, I can’t lie, I’m still bewildered. The nightmares about thick water, century eggs, and fish that smell like an open grave have haunted me. I’ve had night sweats. I can’t stop thinking about what I could have done to play the game differently. I can’t stop replaying what I did to put a target on my back before I even walked in the doors of HQ3. I can’t stop thinking about all of the people who lied to my face after pretending we were going to the end together. 

I am one loyal bitch, but if you cross me, I’m also extremely vindictive and I never, ever forget. 

The truth is I have grievances. Alot of them. 

Let’s go down the list one by one shall we? 

Zah

Fuck you Fuck you Fuck You Fuck you.  

Bitch you didn’t even want to be on this show! You hate rats, and the first night you were fucking miserable. You could have gone home and wore clean socks (instead of the tube socks I let you borrow), underwear (instead of the thong I let you borrow) and brushed your teeth with your own toothbrush (instead of the one I procured for you). In hindsight I wish I made you walk around barefooted with dirty underwear all the way up until you ate those Pork brains. 

It would have made sense for you to give me the safety necklace and be on your merry way. Bye Bye! I should have remembered your introduction to Barstool where you came at Smitty by storming across a table and tried to convince Dave to fire him. You got daggers, Zah. SHARP daggers. 

Silly me, I thought we were radio buddies and I wrongly thought sorta kinda meant something. I’m very pleased that the Cousins show imploded before you had to confess to Mike and Murray that you not only did you pitch me on voting off Tommy, you then had the gall to tell him I wanted him out before you blindsided me. Those two old men would have had a heart attack right there on the spot, or found a kishke to come after you for the heinous crime of disloyalty. 

Shame on you Zah. Shame on you! My greatest wish is that you go to the very end and take second. That would be the ultimate punishment. 5 more nights, sleeping on the floor while the mice and rats scurry across your tiny body at Barstool HQ with NOTHING to show for it.   

Praying for that. Praying. 

Kelly: 

Kelly has said her life’s dream is to be a reality show villain. I mean what was I thinking?  DAMN IT! I KNEW, KNEW not to trust you but I thought maybe just maybe if I convinced you of a mathematically sound plan like a gender alliance, you would see it was a foolproof way to the finals. In hindsight, I probably should have framed in bachelor references so you could fully understand. An all-female alliance made too much sense, obviously, to someone to whom Demi from the Bachelorette is her spirit animal. 

And let’s be real, do you think any of the castmates who wanted me gone on day 1 would have given me the $10,000??? Kelly Kelly Kelly! You really showed some strategic flaws. I know Tommy was behind this. This move REAKS of him. He knew to make you guys paranoid about me and how competitive I was because the truth is, I probably would have won the next three challenges and gone til the end. 

While I was initially furious at you for taking my genuine olive branch of kindness and caning me with it, my best guess at this point is you were just a pawn in Tommy’s plot. It’s sad but true. Sort of pitiful, actually. We had the numbers until you decided we did not. Now the girls are outnumbered.

You better fucking hope you win the safety idol or either you or Brianna are next on Tommy’s hit list. Head on a swivel, Keegs. Head on a swivel.

Donnie: 

I mean Donnie, I’m sorry.  I almost spilled the beans like three times to you while we were on the island and frankly I thought you were one of the biggest physical threats left in the game (besides Cowboy, obviously, and only because I was terrified of his somnambulant strolling and sexual advances). You were a nanosecond shy of winning that food challenge which gave me ZERO assurances you might not do it again. You’re good, Donnie. Too good.  

In hindsight, I think I was bamboozled by your glasses. It’s hard to see what you’re really thinking underneath them. Your shifty eyes are protected at all times. The only question is whether they also make it hard to see the game clearly and whether you might accidentally send the wrong message at just the wrong time. This game is constantly in flux and I worry for you Donnie. I really do. You’re one of the most well-liked scuzz bros in our group which means I think you could win this entire thing if you get to the final three. If you do, you would have my vote in a heartbeat. 

You were one of the few that I never asked who you were voting for and thus you were one of the only people who didn’t lie to my face. I mean who cares that I didn’t ask you because I thought it was you going home and I was scared to strategize with someone I was voting for. I’m sure you would have told me if I would have asked. 

Brianna Chicken Fry

Hey Bri, first up I still love you. I know all of the other contestants thought you were a drunk and getting played by the two most amoral players in the game i.e. Tommy/Kelly, but in my book you played the game just the right way. I believe a former pre-med student can figure out math even when she was 3 cocktails deep. We did indeed have the numbers to go all the way to the final three. I see the empathy you have and am grateful. In fact, you never voted for me. Doesn’t matter whether you were trying to play to the jury, I respected that gesture. I really hope you or Kelly win a challenge or I’m reasonably certain Tommy might come for the girl’s next (in the most rashy, second cousin, nonthreatening/asexual way possible).

**The one moment from you I knew I was cooked was when I tried to make an alliance before the game started. When I asked if you spoke to Kelly about our genius plan, you mentioned “you hadn’t seen her in a while because you hadn’t recorded yet that week” even though you for sure probably had already been texting her to get me out. Listen, I get it. She’s your podcast partner. But I’m telling you, Keegs will cut a bitch, and I say that in the most loving way possible. I know you’re a badass bitch in your own right, but don’t get your throat slit, Bri. Keep one eye open. 

Nick 

WOW. Thanks, Nick. This really stung. I know you do content with the rest of the cast, but we have HISTORY outside of the show. Not the kind of history you want, of course, but history nonetheless. Part of me believes this is a sick and twisted plan to have me inflict pain upon you. I hear some boys like that. I promise you, you will get what's coming. It’s all good… Everyone reaps what they sow. After all that talk about wanting to be the final guy with a bunch of chicks...merging with Kelly, me and Chickenfry… this betrayal stings the most. What would your straight dad say if he found out you turned down a foursome with three babes? 

I know Tommy told you I had the New Amsterdam idol and that’s why you SAID you voted for me but the smart move would have been to think a little bit about who was delivering the information. Who was more likely to have the safety idol? ME or the guy who has been preparing for this moment since he was in Pampers?? COME ON NICK. Even a boy from West Virginia can’t be that clueless. Well, maybe not. Look at KB. But I thought you might have a little loyalty… give me a heads up to let me know if I had that idol, tonight was the night to play it.  You would have found out REAL quick, I had NO more tricks up my sleeve (besides the ones on full display in challenge one). 

Tommy

How in the world can ANYONE on Surviving Barstool not have targeted you first! I mean, YOU GOT HIRED BY WRITING SURVIVOR Fan fiction! This is NOTHING like that show of course, as it is a completely original program, but the fact remains there are similarities in strategy. YOU LITERALLY wrote a blog on how you would be last man standing on a desert island. You fangirled on Barstool Radio over Russell Hantz and told him that he was one of your idols. Of course every single moment after you heard you would be on Surviving Barstool, you were scheming on how you would manipulate the cast to win.

You are the most infuriating thing about this whole experience.

Not because you orchestrated my blindside, you’re an amoral snake. That’s to be expected. No, what’s so angering is that NO ONE believed me when I said you were the biggest threat. JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE! It’s like no one wanted the $10k except me and Tommy, and he was able to convince Keegs that a rock solid plan to put the women in charge was … what? Not as good as ALIGNING WITH THE WORLD’S BIGGEST SURVIVING BARSTOOL EXPERT? GTFO

I REALLY hope they get smart quick before it’s too late.