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Goddam Alligators Roaming The Streets Of New York City

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NYDNCops cracked down Thursday on an unusual jaywalker — a 2-foot-long alligator. Officers saw the reptile getting ready to cross Ninth Ave. at W. 205th Street in Inwood with no apparent fear of traffic, or concern about Mayor de Blasio’s Vision Zero initiative. In fact, the gator was downright New York tough. “He was pretty feisty,” said Deputy Inspector Chris Morello. Cops at the scene theorized the reptile might have been looking for water near the Harlem Bay.

Now you’re in Newwwwww Yorrrrrk, Concrete Bayou where fucking alligators are roaming freeeee, there’s nothing you cant do!

This isnt the first time there’s been weird exotic animals in the city. There was the coyote in Queens a couple months back. But that one kinda makes sense to me. I dunno, like 99% of New York state is upstate woods. Some ‘yote just wandered his way down to Manhattan. He was probably looking for easy pussy like the rest of us. But how the fuck does a gator make its way to the streets of Harlem? This is some goddam Florida shit, people. I know New York City is a godforsaken hell hole but we are NOT FLORIDA. Thats where we draw the line. We dont do bath salts, we dont do flakka, and we dont have fucking stray gators wandering the streets. I mean Christ on the fucking Cross, de Blasio. DO SOMETHING. You’re letting New York City turn into Tallahassee! Figure it out! Stop worrying about Uber and start worrying about alligators.

PS – Cue the Wildlife Weirdos who are like “KFC thats just a baby gator you pussy!” Fuck you weirdos. A 9 foot gator is 9 feet too long for me.