Just my fucking luck. The day I come out throwing haymakers at bodies of water and being all rah rah about #TeamFuckWater and acting like my shit don’t stink because I live in a landlocked state where sharks can’t eat my head, this happens. Video of the biggest goddamn bug swarm in the history of man eating an entire cop car. In Iowa of course. If there’s something I hate more than oceans and sharks and squids, it’s bugs. All bugs. They serve zero purpose (they probably do serve a purpose but nothing comes to mind because I don’t care) except flying into my ears, biting my legs and crawling on the ceiling in the middle of the night to scare me. We don’t need bugs. We don’t. I kill every bug I see if I’m not hungover and too scared of the crunchy noise it’ll make when I flatten it. I want to end generations on generations if I can. When I worked as a security guard I killed 3,000 flies a day and nothing has ever been more satisfying. Bug genocide is my drug. I’m likely solely responsible for a partial fly extinction in eastern Iowa. Kill’em all I say. Even the pretty butterflies. That video is horror movie shit. How that lady in the car didn’t have a heart attack when the cop opened the door is beyond me. Somebody get a flame thrower and do work in that town. We’ll all be better off.