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Things I Want To Do Now That I Have Graduated College

So Dana made a list of things she wants to do before college is over. As someone who has finished school, I would encourage her to do them. Because It’s all downhill from there.

Now for a pretty, young girl, I’m sure the world won’t beat Dana down as quickly as some of the rest of us. But I just wanted to give her and other college students some prospective on what lies ahead. So here are some of the goals that I’ve set for myself now that I HAVE graduated college.

3. Don’t die crossing the street.

I take the T to and from work. But to get there, I have to walk across the on and off ramp to the highway. Now I’ve thought a lot about this, and knowing exactly how I’m going to die is comforting, in a way. But I think I’ve got 5 to 10 more solid years left in me, so if I make it that long I’ll be pretty pumped. I’d prefer to go out in a blaze of glory, rather than the headline reading “Local Blind Man Dies Exactly How You’d Expect”.

2. Not gain weight.

At this point, I’ve decided that actually losing weight is a little too ambitious. I’m certainly overweight, but not disgustingly fat yet. If I can maintain this level of mediocre appearance, that’s all I can really hope for. I’m not looking to blow anyone away with my dashing looks. Just keep it at a level where I’m not winded after walking up a flight of stairs.

1. Have sex in the UMass library…or anywhere really.

Now, in college, anyone could get laid. Even a chubby, awkward, blind kid tricked a few into intercourse back in the day. But after only a couple months of summer, I’ve discovered that as a guy, the real world is not as easy. You have to be a human being with a personality that isn’t off putting and awkward. And while working at Barstool has gotten me recognized, it’s usually as that intern that’s gotten hit in the face and failed miserably at athletic events. And I’m really using “athletic” loosely (ping pong and swinging a bat). Now I’m sure Dana won’t have a tough time finding a partner for her library fantasy. But for me, just a living, human woman in a bed would be cool at this point.

You may notice my list is half as long as Dana’s. That’s to symbolize the lowering of expectations. So kids, live it up in college. Make your lists and do everything on them. Because when your done, your goals will become far less cool. I hope I’ve inspired some of you who weren’t taking advantage of the college experience. Because despite what PSA’s in the 90’s may have told us, it doesn’t get better.