I Probably Should Have Been Kidnapped As A Child

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I don't remember this coach's name. I only remember that he was overweight, dressed like he was a MLB manager (like wore a Twins jersey that he bought himself to coach 6 year olds), had a ponytail, walked with a cane, and would emerge from the woods across the street from my house then ring my doorbell and ask my mom if it was OK if I came outside to play catch. Looking back on it, it was exceptionally weird. 

But, at the time, I didn't find it odd at all. I was a kid, after all. Sure, there were signs, particularly ones that my mother should've picked up on, that said he was a bit off. Aside from all the aforementioned attributes that scream "lunatic" was the fact that we'd practice pitching and I never pitched a day in my life. I was a centerfielder. But every day this dude would be over my house getting in a catcher's stance in the backyard trying to teach a child to throw a curveball. Kinda reeks of Jim doing all that shit just to spend time with Jan.

This went on regularly until one day my dad came home from lunch and told the guy to get the fuck out of our yard. Much like myself, my dad didn't care for visitors, the welcomed or the unwelcome kind. I thought it ended there, but after conferring with my mom after I talked about this on the podcast she informed me that this guy would still appear form the woods almost daily and just stand at the foot of our driveway. I have no idea what his intentions were, maybe he was just tired from walking through the woods on a bum leg but the more likely case is he was just hoping to steal me. Never got me though, sucker. 

And in a very Catholic Church-esque move the guy was fired by the league, which he never should've been allowed to coach in because he didn't even have a kid on the team and that's fucking creepy, then just went across town and started coaching at a different park.

Just goes to show you, anyone who willingly works with children (particularly for free) is a weirdo. 

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