The Barstool Fund - In Support Of The 30 Day FundLearn More

2021 Is Off To A Positive Start- I have COVID 19.

Quick update:

- I just recently turned 49 years old.

- At 6'5" and 285 pounds, I am what they call "morbidly obese" (although I've been told I carry it well).

- I am farsighted.

- I have a cyst on my left kidney and a stone in my right.

- I have asthma and something called "a ground glass nodule" in the upper quadrant of my right lung.

- I have patellar tendinitis in both knees and arthritis in my left foot.

- Staying with my left foot, I have gout.

- My left leg is slightly shorter than my right because I snapped my tibia and fibula in high school before I was done growing... It's not noticeable to the naked eye, but it throws off my posture and fucks with my back.

- I don't smoke or do drugs, but I drink and dance like no one is watching.

- I have severe sleep apnea, so I sleep with a machine that tries to suffocate me once a night.

- My colon has been riddled with polyps, so I have had more colonoscopies than haircuts in the past 20 years.

And now I have Covid 19.

CBS Photo Archive. Getty Images.

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

I am not the first to get it, and I won't be the last, but I will be quarantining and giving you guys updates on how it has fucked with me because I was curious about how it fucked with other people… Especially Tom Hanks, for some reason.

I believe Dave, White Sox Dave, and Joey have all beat it so far, but I am considerably older (and fatter) than all of them (except Pres, I guess), so maybe my experience will resonate with some of you all.

Right now, outside of my almost-crippling fear of dying, I feel like I have full-blown flu, I am feverish, weak as a kitten, and I find it difficult to catch my breath… Particularly at night. 

Other people I have talked to have said COVID was a "piece of cake" for them, but right now it feels like more of a "sandwich of shit" for me… A sandwich of shit that I cannot fully appreciate because my sense of smell is probably at 25% and dropping, as is my sense of taste.

I have been quarantining for almost a week, and I feel like killing every person I see.

Please don't think I am complaining or asking for sympathy here… I just happen to have this, so I am sharing the hopefully-never gory details with those who have avoided it so far.

I am lucky enough to have access to a satellite kit so I will continue hosting radio for as long as Barstool stays in bed with Sirius, and my podcasts can all be recorded by Zoom.  I have a couple of live video projects that I've been working on, but they're okay to shelve for a couple of weeks, I suppose.

So that's it… I am sick, and I am going to go lay down.

Talk soon.

Take a vaccine.