NY Post - Kate Beckinsale has a type. The “Underworld” actress, 46, has apparently gone from dating Pete Davidson to spending time with his best friend, Machine Gun Kelly. After last year’s Golden Globes, Page Six exclusively revealed that Beckinsale was spotted flirting with Davidson, who was 25 years old at the time. The stars ended up dating for a couple of months before breaking up in April. Seemingly turning flirting into a Golden Globes tradition, Beckinsale was spotted leaving a party after this year’s show with the 29-year-old tattooed rapper, whose real name is Colson Baker, according to photos exclusively obtained by Page Six. The duo was photographed leaving Chateau Marmont in the same car early Tuesday following a night of festivities. Davidson, meanwhile, is now dating 18-year-old model Kaia Gerber.
Who built the pyramids?
Who assassinated JFK?
And why does Kate Beckinsale bang average guys??
These are life’s greatest mysteries. These are the unanswerable questions that keep me up at night.
I’m not trying to hate. Sending my internet props to MGK for bagging the sexiest chick to ever live. And Pete Davidson was once a pseudo-friend and I was proud of him as well. But just objectively speaking this is completely preposterous. Kate Beckinsale is other worldly hot. She’s spectacularly sexy. She’s in another stratosphere of beauty. My all time number one. MANY people’s number 1. The type of beauty that allows you to do 2 things:
1) be famous in Hollywood without actually working. Read: Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Alba. These girls acted in like one or 2 movies. Make a couple appearances and then never work again but show up to every red carpet ever and be famous because you look so fucking hot you get to keep your membership despite not actually doing anything.
2) Marry billionaires. Kate Beckinsale is hot enough to the point that her dating profile should say “if you don’t have 3 commas in your bank account, don’t even look at me.” Like Miranda Kerr when she started dating the Snapchat dude.
When you’re that good looking you honestly shouldn’t have a choice. It’s almost like when there’s a players union who needs to maintain a certain salary threshold for the superstars for the good of the whole league. Like, sorry you want to take a hometown discount, but you’re fucking up the market for all future superstars and so we need you to take the contract with the most money possible. That is what Kate Beckinsale is to the world of sexy women. We need to establish the benchmark that her level of beauty is billionaire boys club level, so that it doesn’t fuck up the dating world for the regular folks. Oh so you want to date tell, lanky, angsty, middle of the road famous guys? NO. DENIED. Do not pass Go, do not fuck the D List guy half your age in order to satisfy your weird psychological issues with men, Kate. Go fuck the guy who invented Uber or something. Then we can restore and maintain order.
Because think about it. If Kate is fucking Billionaires, then the next level down in the world of gorgeous starlets get to check the mega millionaires. And then the super hot but rather unremarkable hot girls (IG models and the like) can hook up with the lowly millionaires, and then the regular, normal girl hot chicks are still somewhat attainable for average guys who can kinda make you laugh. But if we cut out that top tier... the whole system falls apart. It’s like an ecosystem. Like the food chain. You know when they say if you took away seemingly worthless life like plankton, the entire ocean would go extinct? Like you might not care but if plankton disappear then the fish that eat plankton die and the creatures that eat those fish die and next thing you know it’s the apocalypse and all life on the planet is gone? Wel Kate Beckinsale banging these pseudo famous comedians and rappers is just like that. The whole ecosystem dies if she slums it. She drops down multiple tiers on the Hot Chick Food Chain and we descend into chaos.
Now I know what you’re thinking, wait, KFC, isn’t this good for us guys? Beckinsale is making it ok for really hot girls to stoop down lower to regular guys? If the chain of events held firm, if Pete and MGK can fuck the unattainably hot girls, then the regular guys can actually get the mega-but-attainable hot chicks. Which is an understandable thought process, but unfortunately a simpleton’s point of view. For 2 main reasons.
1) think about it from the girl’s point of view. Because think about the next level of hot girl - they are gonna have to give up. If Beckinsale sets her market value at MGK/Pete Davidson, then they are only able to fuck guys below that. The still-super-hot-but-reasonably-attainable girls are gonna be like, I am fucking DONE doing 50,000 squats a day if all it’s gonna net me is some reality TV jamoke. Hot chicks might cease to exist all together. Girls go CRAZY working out and dressing uncomfortably and wearing makeup and shit all to attain men who are rich and successful. If that whole plan is thrown out of whack because Beckinsale throws her pussy at anyone who’s ever written a poem about being depressed or some shit, the motivation is gone forever. Being “hot” becomes pointless and then we’re left with nothin but Fats and Uglies. The meteor hit, killed the plant life, which killed the herbivores, which killed the carnivores. Everything died. Kate fucking average guys is the meteor.
2) You might think this is a win for guys out kicking their coverage, but think beyond just getting your dick wet. Think beyond just banging a chick you thought was too hot for you. Big picture. You see, if the Beckinsale’s of the world don’t keep their honey pot reserved for the cream of the crop, then what is the motivation for man? If Beckinsale is out here giving out a smackeral to every guy who’s t, pale, and tortured...why would you even try to be anything greater than that? If we don’t reserve Billionaire pussy for billionaire men, there’s no longer any motivation to reach that level. If Kate keeps slumming it, priorities and motivations change. Innovation stops. Why would I take the time to code and invest and grow my Silicon Valley app when I don’t even need to do that to fuck 12 out of 10s anymore? I’m telling you if Beckinsale was fucking these guys a decade ago, Uber doesn’t exist. Say bye bye to Air BnB. I’m telling you right now there’s some GENIUS out there who put down the laptop and picked up a guitar and got a shitty tattoo because KATE is out here teaching them the lesson that it’s all that it takes. When we start to devolve technologically and socially and end up like 10th in global GDP, it’s because Kate Beckinsale lowered the bar so much, she stunted development and growth on a historical level. I wouldn’t be surprised if the butterfly effect of Kate Beckinsale banging MGK leads to nuclear war. World leaders just turning the Keys and pushing the buttons being like “fuck it. Who cares? What’s the difference? None of this matters anyway. Kate Beckinsale is banging that guy from Bird Box who opens up for Fall Out Boy.”
Plus on a less dramatic level, does Kate Beckinsale not have any concern for her brand? Her mystique and aura? If she’s gonna fuck guys like that, where does she draw the line? A few more miles on her and she will continue to stoop? Like, I dunno, say to the level of a radio host/podcast/blogger? Where does it end, Kate? Let’s find out. Come hang out with me before the nuclear apocalypse you unknowingly ignited takes place.
PS - that last sentence from the Post is why this is at all possible. “Oh my ex, who I was clearly dating in order to still feel young and coveted, broke up with me and immediately scooped up a girl who is EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD? Brb gonna go spiral and fuck the first edgy guy I see at a party.” I feel for you, girls. It ain’t easy being you.