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Barstool’s Gold Cup Preview: USA vs Haiti

Sam’s Gold Cup Preview: USA vs Haiti

1-USA-Haiti

Okay, listen, I really had no intention of incorporating the Black Eyed Peas into this post, but can you blame me? We are talking about a borderline meaningless soccer game (eight of the 12 teams in the Gold Cup advance to the knockout stage) in which a real country is going to face off against a nation-state so sad that it is synonymous with shit going wrong. Honestly, Haiti, what the fuck is your deal? You share an island with the Dominican Republic, which seems to be doing just fine. How can you suck so bad at everything? Think about Arnold and Danny. Now think about Arnold and Danny as conjoined twins.

2-twins

That’s the DR and Haiti in a nutshell. The (latter) country’s main import is cholera and its only export is Wyclef Jean. Seriously, Haiti is so pitiful that this guy was probably going to be elected president in 2010…

That’s “Mr. El Presidente” to you

That’s “Mr. El Presidente” to you

Until they realized he didn’t actually live in Haiti and was therefore ineligible (never mind the fact he is a “singer-songwriter” with no political experience or managerial skills best known for redefining what it means to sell out to Corporate America).

Annnnnnnnnnnnyway, sounds like a fun game, right? Right, now on to the preview.

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USMNT vs Haiti

logos

USA (-1,200)
Haiti (+2,000)
Draw (+900)

When the bookies set odds that include commas, the only question typically worth asking is not “Which team is going to win?” but rather “How much are they going to win by?”

Is that the case here?

Let’s first take a look at a quick recap of Tuesday’s USA-Honduras game (written on Tuesday morning several hours BEFORE kickoff):

4-honduras

I assure you it gave me little pleasure in accurately predicting the USMNT would come out and finagle three points despite laying an egg. The worst part is it’s tough to identify which was worse: our offense (both goals came on set pieces) or defense. I’m going to go with defense, but barely.

Storylines to watch out for tonight:

– Could our defense possibly play that bad again? Ventura Alvarado had one of the worst performances of any defender in a USMNT shirt since Jonathan Bornstein left town.

Incredibly, Timothy Chandler was just as bad. John Brooks was only a itsy bitsy bit better. And this is the “young core” of our defense that Klinsmann has such high hopes for? Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes. They need to play better tonight – whichever ones get to see the field again.

– Our offense looked completely stagnant against Honduras. Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore, aside from combining on a play off a set to get the first goal, looked woefully out of sync. They need to be better, period.

Dreaming of Bobby Wood

Dreaming of Bobby Wood

– Good-not-great workmanlike effort from Michael Bradley on Tuesday. Need more of that, if not better.

– Brad Guzan had been feeling the heat over his season at Aston Villa, but he played well against Honduras. That said, if he has to make a single good save all night then the defense has failed.

PREDICTION

We take a half step forward, dominating possession but still looking slightly “off” up top. Even so, eventually pulls away… USA to win 3-0.

Bye

Bye

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For those of you who asked me for tips on how to bet Costa Rica vs Jamaica on Twitter this week: you’re welcome.

Also, programming reminder: for anybody wanting to get up to speed on the EPL transfer window, I’m in the process of updating the hand-dandy rundown (last week’s version: here) of what all 20 clubs want and need… and plan to publish it sometime early next week. Try not to die from anticipation.

One for the road

One for the road


Holler,
Sam U. L. Army