*I was planning on this fitness blog before Big Cat declared we were becoming the new Last of the hards at the end of the podcast. I have altered it to make the body harder*
Do you want to reverse all the bad lifestyle habits of 2020 for your New Years resolution?
“We are on to Cincinnati”
“We are on to 2021”
2020 sucked, not going to dwell too much on it because we are going to talk about 2021.
A quick synopsis of a relatable 2020:
I got fat in quarantine because I had a high caloric intake that used to be paired with a much more active lifestyle. But then I was told to stay inside. I just turned 21 and I couldn’t go out, so Zoom boozing took its toll on my body. Hopefully, we see that I have progressed since Belly Football hit the scene and we can now move on. I’m in a lot better shape now and let me share my tactics for weight loss or weight gain so that in summer 2021 you can go tarps off and come out of this shit show Hacked or Jacked depending on your situation. Here are some tailored lifestyle changes that hopefully will get in shape.
*I am not a doctor*
*This is only supported by anecdotal evidence I have gathered from myself and bros*
*Sorry ladies I am not going to mansplain your body this is guys helping bros*
You absolutely must take supplements. I’m not selling you shit so trust me these work and will help you whether you want to gain or lose weight. These are the secret to getting a hard body because they all double as erectile dysfunction supplements.
-Arginine: Amino Acid that will help blood flow to muscles, Like to think of it as draino for your veins
-Beta-Alanine: Increases Nitrous Oxide in your blood which is the gasoline your body needs to really burn hot.
-Fish Oil: Good for your brain and a lot of things.
-Beet products: powder easiest, turns your pee red and I like to think makes your blood richer because it’s red.
Take these every day it will give you more energy and you will feel better. Even if you are not working out these will help your energy levels no matter what your daily activities are. They optimize your body to be in the best environment to burn fat and gain muscle.
“Hi I am fat and would like to get less fat but I am too lazy to make any big changes”
Alright, you fat fuck this is what you gotta do to get you rolling and gain momentum into feeling, looking, and performing better.
The foundation of weight loss is operating your body at a caloric loss. Here’s how you are going to do it without changing what you eat or going on some crazy diet that is unsustainable.
Sleep in longer and skip breakfast.
There’s been a lot of research into intermittent fasting and it comes with a lot of controversies. The debates around metabolism and whatnot are BS. If you don’t eat breakfast it delays the amount of time you have to eat in the day. Also by sleeping in and setting your alarm later to make sure you don’t have time to eat you will stick to it (extra sleep is great for weight loss). Drink coffee or tea to hold you over till lunch, drink plenty of water. This is a sure-fire way to reduce your caloric consumption.
Try to not overeat in your 15 min window.
Your body does not know if it’s full till 15 minutes later. (This is important if you want to gain mass, we will get to that later). Eat what you want but make sure to remember this and not overeat. If it was a perfect world I would get you to go full ketosis to lose weight but it’s not sustainable for those not too committed to a real lifestyle change. Skipping breakfast and waiting 15 minutes before getting seconds or eating more is baby steps.
Try not to snack, if your office or place of work has a lot of snacks and you find yourself walking over there just take a quick diversion and go drink coffee, it will kill your hunger and speed up your metabolism (win, win.)
Don’t act like I’m telling you to starve yourself, if you are actually at an unhealthy weight these are the smallest steps possible to feel better and be healthier. Drinking a coffee instead of snacking and skipping breakfast to lower caloric intake isn’t going to kill you, heart disease will. Hell if this gets you on the road to having more energy, feeling better, and maybe working out you can have breakfast back. You see, the reason you have gotten out of shape and don’t work out is you prioritize important things like work, school, etc., and don’t have the time. Skipping breakfast and only eating in a 15-minute window actually gives you more time for work so you have no excuses. There are also extremely opportune times to rip out quick workouts. Push-ups, before you hop in the shower, are huge and if you do it every day and try to get a decent amount going (In quarantine I got up to 300 a day) but trying to do 25 before the shower and working your way up is a start. Take the stairs trying to get as much physical activity you can in your day. It’s like getting rings in a Sonic game, get as much as you can.
If you end up finding yourself in a weight room just make sure you are not wasting your time. Don’t wander around in between workouts. Try to do things fast. I know guys who workout with old iPods instead of their phones to keep on task. Wear multiple layers and make sure you get a sweat going. Try to shock your central nervous system into change by raising your core body temperature. (This applies to everyone no matter if you are trying to gain or lose weight).
Drinking fucks your metabolism and hormonal system. This will most likely be the greatest game-changer if you accomplish this: Don’t drink during the week, if you drink you have to work out. Sweat out the poison.
So here’s your 2021 list for if you are fat and want to lose weight.
1. Skip breakfast (I tend to substitute with supplements and coffee)
2. Drink coffee or green tea all day instead of snacking. Remember the 15 minute window.
3. No drinking during the week
If you 2/3 of these you will look and feel better guaranteed
“I can’t put on weight no matter how hard I try. I am skinny and want to put on muscle”
I came into high school at 140lbs and graduated 220 lbs. I was rail-thin and bulking has been a hobby of mine for a long time but it can get out of control without a proper lifting plan.
On top of the supplements, I mentioned earlier you’re going to want to use creatine - but don’t go too crazy with it. There is a lot of information on creatine dosage with loading phases etc. just take it like any other supplement consistently and keep your gallon jug of water with you and you will see results. Drink as much water as you can 24/7. (But don’t like accidentally die from drinking too much water: gallon a day should do.)
Protein powder and mass gainers are bullshit. You have 15 minutes to eat as much as you can to put on mass so eat fast and as much as you can. If you get indigestion it means you’re not drinking enough water. Here are some of my favorite bulking meals that are perfect for the anabolic window. Some say it’s a myth that eating 30 mins after a workout makes it all turn to muscle but I believe because you are usually hungry after working out you eat more. Fuck the haters - the anabolic window exists.
Dirty Bulk Essentials: Meals and Tips to Overcome a Fast Metabolism
Full rotisserie chicken and chocolate milk:
Picture this: You get out of the gym in the afternoon and on your way home you grab a rotisserie chicken located usually near the deli/butcher counter near the hot food. This is located towards the back of the supermarket in order to drive traffic throughout more of the store. Also located towards the back of the store are dairy products, grab the quart of chocolate milk. You go home and rip of pieces of chicken and dip it in hot sauce, blue cheese or ranch and scarf it down with the chocolate milk. Maybe the first time you can’t finish the chicken, you leave it for later. Finish the chicken and chocolate milk by the end of the night and you go to sleep. Clean ass GAINZ.
Chipotle for Gains:
Go to Chipotle get whatever your usual order is and get extra everything, Extra rice, extra beans, extra cheese, extra tortilla wrap. This is all free extras and you get charged the same for 1 scoop of rice or 5. Take advantage of how many extra carbs you can get with a usual burrito price.
Fast food cheat code:
If you’re eating fast food always get a milkshake with it.
If you’re looking for a high calorie, easy breakfast: make Peanut butter and Jelly with a ton of peanut butter because it will make you need to drink milk in order to not choke on all the peanut butter stuck in your mouth and throat. More calories in whole milk, which is the only solution to too much peanut butter in your mouth, are gainz. You will end up consuming 1,000 calories for breakfast.
Eating big is a way of life and if you are serious about gaining weight you will learn how to out eat your metabolism. Unfortunately for naturally skinny guys, it’s harder for you to gain weight than it is for fat guys to lose weight. All they need to do is operate at a caloric deficit which is easy if you eliminate a meal like breakfast. Here are some other methods to get those added calories the easiest.
Pint of ice cream every night: if you like ice cream this will be easy. Just eat a pint before bed. It also helps you sleep better in my opinion.
Olive oil shots: Take a shot of olive oil every night before bed. Prevent your body from cannibalizing gains overnight due to caloric deficit.
Make sure you are drinking all that water. 1-gallon jug a day.
Working out= big compound lifts Squat, bench, etc. Those shock your nervous system into thinking “O shit if I don’t grow I might die under this bar” and put on muscle.
Here’s the workout plan I’m committing to going to use in 2021 sans having to box a guy in February.
I will change up auxiliary lifts but these are the big ones in a 5-day schedule.
Cardio to sweat out poison
Front squat 5x5
Squat 5x3 heavier
Max out as many reps of 225 on squat to end it.
Arm farm=bi tri lift to get a pump have some fun.
Always chase the pump, sweat hard.
This is what you have to do
1. Eat Big (operate at caloric surplus)
2. Lift Big
3. Take creatine drink a lot of water (1 gal at least a day)
Doing 2/3 of these will help you gain mass only 3/3 will make sure you put on muscle mass.
“Hi I am skinny fat what do I do”
Do everything I said for the fat guys but take creatine and workout. Aim for the pump. You are probably mad you don’t have abs but crunches aren’t going to do it, maybe rip the ab wheel, but compound lifts are where it’s at.
“I don’t have access to a gym everything is closed”
Here are some ways to fashion makeshift workout equipment with little effort.
Ab wheel: Go to a Home Depot and buy a lawnmower wheel, find a cylindrical object to stick through it, boom ab wheel, in my opinion, the only ab exercise worth doing.
1-gallon plastic jugs of water can be utilized as decent dumbbell replacements. If they need to be heavier fill them with sand but curls and other basic dumbbell exercises can be done with it. If you’re drinking gallon jugs of water everyday you will have a ton of these you can fill with sand. Use duct tape to reinforce the plastic jug.
I will get to blogs on how to build and utilize these homemade solutions.
“So it’s January 1st what do I do?”
You are most likely extremely hungover, and wanting to watch bowl games. I like to jump rope on Sundays while I watch the games, sweat out the poison and the football takes your mind off the physical exertion. If this isn’t your idea of fun, When your hungover ass drags itself to the shower, run the water and do a wall sit ‘til the water gets hot, maybe rip as many push-ups as you can.
This is the first step boys, I’ll be keeping you on your mission to be a better you.