Grading The Worst Pope Retirement Tweets. A Special Watchdog Report

Really needed this guys. We haven’t had a good dad joke day since the day after Manti Te’o’s story came out or the day of the Mayan Apocalypse. Everyone in the world throwing out their best HA-HA jokes. Good old fashioned knee slappers. Like the worst knock knock joke only 10 billion times more Cringeworthy. So lets hit some of the highlights. Of course starting with everyone’s favorite Dad Joker, Darren Rovell. Take it away D…

 Darren Rovell

Boom. Leonard Pope, The Pope. Get it? Same last name guys. Pope.

Grade – A+, made me want to punch myself in my penis

Sneaky move here by Darren. The joke made to look like a real request. Because Northwestern School of Journalism graduate Darren Rovell doesn’t understand the difference between resign and re-sign. Playing dumb for the masses. Fantastic!

Grade – B, I would rather eat my own feces than read this tweet again.

Schefter/Peter King/Jay Glazer

I’m not 100% sure but I think what these guys are saying is that because they report on the NFL they also might report on Pope News? Is that the joke? Either way its great. And listen, whenever you can get Peter King, Adam Schefter and Jay Glazer all in on the same joke then you know you have something special going on. This is like when the Beatles almost did a reunion right before John Lennon died only if the Beatles were the worst band of all time and elicited feelings of mass suicide by all of their fans.

Grade – A++++, only reason it wasn’t a 5 + was because Chris Berman isn’t on twitter. Made me want to pour acid inside of my dickhole.

Cousin Sal

I actually don’t hate Cousin Sal but this was bad, real bad. It didn’t even make sense either, black people can’t be Popes, Michael Vick wasn’t even in the running, Stupid Sal, read a book bro.

…

Grade – B+, Made me want to take a bath with a toaster.

 Arianna Huffington

Boom. Chick humor. Always funny and by that I mean never funny. Nice try babe, good job, good effort.

..
Grade – F-

Dennis Miller

Hillary just quit, the pope just quit, see where we’re going here guys? Topical and hysterical. D-Miller coming in HOT!

Grade – A+, solely because I had no idea Dennis Miller was still alive.

 Traina

Classic Traina. The “I’m too cool for Pope jokes so I’m going to make fun of everyone’s bad Pope joke while I sneakily make a horrendous Pope joke”. No one thinks he’s cooler than Traina, no one.

Grade – A+, Made me want to tie a concrete block to my shoe, light myself on fire, shoot myself in the face and jump into the Chicago River.

And last but not least. Our king. Rick Reilly

Let me just say, I feel a little bad about this one. I was begging Riles to wake up and get in the game. He’s the best there is, hand down. He was born to make Pope retirement jokes.

And I think I may have rushed him. Because he delivered this

I mean I think this is a Kate Upton joke but I’m not entirely sure. Not Reilly’s best. I just imagine him waking up at like 10:45, seeing the Pope is retiring and absolutely SCRAMBLING to think of something to say. Probably didn’t even have his morning coffee. I guess even the best need to warm up too. Kind of sad really.

Grade – Incomplete, lets wait until he comes out with a spoken word poem or something on tonight’s Sportscenter. Can’t Wait!