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The Clippers Have Kidnapped DeAndre Jordan And It's The Greatest Thing Ever

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That wasn’t an exaggeration, they’ve kidnapped him in his own home. Won’t let him leave, won’t let him talk to Cuban. They’re like an abusive boyfriend who won’t turn their key on the breakup. First Mavs got all sentimental with their “Baby I thought you said we were gonna be together?” tweet

 

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Then Doc was like “Oh fucking hell no. You want to leave? Guess what, now yis can’t leave. CP3, tie him up and give him some belly slaps at midnight until you’ve bullied him into signing. Blake, block the doors

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Pierce, you go sit in the corner and keep faxing those rocket ship tweets. Maybe a few of guns and bombs. Ballmer stand in the doorway and just scare the shit out of everyone outside.” It’s a full on, Assault on Precinct 13 lockdown. No one gets in or out and kill anyone who tries.

 

Goddamn do I love NBA free agency. Only sport where you get teams making grander announcements about their employment than a presidential candidate and also felonies getting committed.