The United States Army Has Their Big Green Weenie Down Their Own Throat Because They Designed Some Masks 9 Months Into A Pandemic

Chaps12/16/2020 7:50 PM

This announcement from the Army is by far the most military shit I've seen in a long while. It's December. The Vaccine is being hauled through hospitals like NBA players doing a pregame fashion walk and now is the time you roll this shit out?

There is NOTHING about this mask that is super special. It's not like the Army developed some new-fangled N95 mask. Nope. They just cut up some of the same cloth that soldiers wear every day, added some strings, looked at it for a while, jerked off a little... nothin crazy... just a little edging in the official army science lab, ran upstairs and showed it to one of the many new bosses at the Pentagon and acted like they had invented a time machine that would take them back far enough where they could almost fuck their mothers. It's disgusting. They could have just ordered 944,000 masks off of Etsy in March and each member of the Army would have 2 and it could be customized to have your rank on your mouth or they could have sent you down to Wawa with 5 dollars and you'd walk out being protected. ORRRRR

It took the greatest army in the world a year to design this mask and they STILL went with the over-the-head strings. I fucking hate the over-the-head strings. I'm an around-the-ear guy. I don't like swooping the entire thing over my grape. If I wear those kinds, I have to take off my hat, my glasses, and my boxers. No thanks. Just give me the over-the-ears kind and I can just whip that bad boy on before I head into my local donut place. It's locally owned so they need my support. I'm glad to help the community by eating one Bearclaw at a time.

That being said, I'm sick of donut places acting all lazy about the bear claw. This doesn't look like a bear claw, does it, Rick? Nope. It looks like a tumor which is rather insensitive at the moment. Make bear claws look like bear claws again and add chocolate chips to the end to look like nails. It really shouldn't be this hard. That's what she said.