Uproxx – Usually if a soccer team wins by four or five goals, it’s considered a blowout. If you really search hard enough, you can probably find people who consider the USWNT’s 5-2 win over Japan on Sunday a blowout.
We may need to redefine the definition of a “blowout,” because Micronesia played Vanuatu in an Olympic qualifying match today and lost 46-0. The top goal scorer for Vanuatu – which isn’t exactly Barcelona, as it is ranked 200th out of the 209 countries that FIFA recognizes – tallied an unreal 16 goals, and the match was so crazy that the official scorekeeper just got up and left while it was still happening.
There are a lot of amazingly impressive moments of awfulness in here that make Japan’s opener versus the US women look great by comparison but this one had to be my favorite:
This goalie seems like the worst goalie in the history of soccer with how he doesn’t even rotate towards a shot and can’t kick the ball more than 10 yards. But his little “I stopped it! Yeah! Ohh it’s behind me now . Shucks.” was hilarious. I fully appreciate that Micronesia isn’t a soccer powerhouse and sounds more like a fictional country in a generic board game version of Risk but it’s soccer, man. Show off a little of that famous Micronesian pride next time.
Love that Vanuatu player just racking ‘em up. When in Rome, stat pad your face off so you can be the Al Bundy of Vanuatuan soccer and swim in all the pussy in Port Vila and Luganville (thanks to Wikipedia for helping me localize for our new Barstool Vanuatu spinoff).