A 24-Year Old Russian Chick Married A Briefcase ... That's It, That's A Real Headline In 2020

[Source] - A woman is trying to raise awareness about objectum sexual people. Rain Gordon says she is romantically attracted to objects after meeting the "love of her life", a briefcase, five years ago. 

Then in June this year, she tied the knot to the case, who she named Gideon, in a ceremony officiated by her friend.

Although she's had past relationships with men, Rain has always been more attracted to objects more than people.

The young woman met her "future husband" back in August 2015 after buying him at a hardware store as a prop for a photoshoot.

You may remember this story blogged by our good friend and everyone's friend Clem: 

Well I hate to break it to this bodybuilder, but we found an even more romantic wedding. One that is so beautiful you can hardly put words into it. Mostly because briefcases can't speak. But this 24-year old Russian chick just flat out married a briefcase. A BRIEFCASE. Don't tell me you can't find someone or you'll never find love. A fucking briefcase got married, so can you. Not only that, but this chick decided at 24 that this briefcase was the answer. 

So this chick Rain - who, we can admit if you hear that name you think stripper or weirdo - is sexually attracted to objects. Can't blame her. A lot of people suck. But can we just be honest and say this sounds like she'd rather masturbate with a vibrator than get fucked? 

"For me, objects – although I don't really like using that word – really are better than people."

No doubt in my mind this is what girls say after they have to deal with us thrusting around. We stink at sex. You stink at sex. I stink at sex. Every guy stinks at sex. Plus, as someone who is married, I can admit that marrying an object is just easier. You know what sucks? Arguing. You're not changing your mind, the other person isn't changing theirs. You argue about how much money to spend or not to spend. What house to buy. What color a fucking floor should be. 

However, that all goes away when you marry a briefcase. Not sure if Rain knows or not but briefcases don't and can't talk. You don't have to do anything but life your life. You can even fuck around with someone else and a briefcase isn't going to get mad, because the briefcase has no goddamn idea. Seems like a decent idea the more I think about it. Rain took Happy Wife, Happy Life quite literally simply by marrying a briefcase herself. 

I know this might sound crazy, but what hasn't in this blog? There's a chance Rain isn't the craziest person involved: 

Then in June this year, she tied the knot to the case, who she named Gideon, in a ceremony officiated by her friend.

The friend who officiated the wedding has a legit case to be the crazy one. I get that you support your friends. Lord knows I have a bunch of moron friends that I have to just nod along with at times. But being a friend is also stepping in and telling your friend they lost their goddamn marbles. You have to do that here. You can't say yes to officiating a wedding INVOLVING A BRIEFCASE.

I gotta know, did guests give her gifts for Christmas? If so the briefcase might be in trouble. 

Whatever, like I said. If a briefcase can get married, so can you. 

PS: I tried to find her Instagram, couldn't find it. Sorry commenters.