Power Ranking The Upcoming "Tank's Throwback Thursday" Videos Based Off The Labels Of Their VHS Tapes
For the uncultured Stoolies that don't know yet, Tank's Throwback Thursdays is the hottest content on Barstool right now. No offense to the Daddy Gang, AWLs, or BFF Squad. But Frankie Full-Time and Michael Angelo are 3-0 so far with all three wins being absolutely blowouts.
Not only are those videos informative, entertaining, and a quick/easy watch. But they are a goldmine for easily shareable Frank The Tank moments, which can be used in a variety of ways.
The maestro Michael Angelo, who has been working on these with Frank as the most unlikely yet most perfect duo at Barstool right now, replied to my last meme using Francis Fleming by dropping this bombshell on my head.
Holy shit, that is like seeing the other Michaelangelo that makes masterpieces with a palette of pain in his hands, with Frank The Tank's life being his Sistine Chapel. I knew I had to power rank the videos as soon as I saw them.
4. CBS Project + Monmouth State Baseball
I'm not sure if the CBS project is Frank getting his investigative reporter on about some sort of malfeasance that occurred at CBS around the turn of the century or the name of the college class that he did a project about the Monmouth State baseball team. This could still be an absolute gem of a video, but it comes in as the last head on this Mount Rushmore.
3. Football Roundtable + Sports Close(?)
Tank talking and occasionally singing pigskin with some fellow journos has an extremely high floor when it comes to content. However, the Top 2 on this list have unbelievably high ceilings, so I can't put this anywhere higher than 3.
2. Evidence Tape
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Everything in my body says Evidence is going to be THE Tank's Throwback Thursday video that changes the company if not the world. The word "Evidence" itself is scandalous enough before you account for the clearly tampered with sticker along with Frank's past of working as a court clerk. Was this "Evidence" what got Frank his cushy government job before the Stool came calling? Something tells me we're about to find out. I can't read the rest of the label, but I think the words Sunset Cruise appear on the label. If that's the case, I just completely buried the lede of Frank The Tank getting his duckboat on in the Hudson while wearing what I imagine to be the finest Hawaiian shirt this side of the Glenny Balls Collection.
1. Mystery Tape
No matter what you are doing in life, always take the mystery option. It could be a grab bag at a card show, the mystery box on Let's Make A Deal, or a mystery team during free agency. The phrase "life's short, take chances" was invented for mystery objects. Peter Griffin said it best:
I get that there is a chance the contents of the tape are written on the cover of that mystery tape's box. But as someone that actually lived during a time when VHS's ruled the world, I can confirm to you that the best stuff was always on the unmarked tapes. Mostly because it was softcore porn I taped off of HBO that I didn't want my parents to know about. But the point remains. I am making the Mystery Tape Tank's Throwback Thursday a Must Watch regardless of if anything has been scribbled on its box.
Despite saying all that, I would like to put on the record that if any of these VHS's have Frank's acting tape on there, they trump everything else one millionfold.
I'll be waiting all week for Thursday afternoon as Frankie Midnight has also Frankie High Noon. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.