No Joke, I'd Try Out For The Bachelorette If Amy Schumer Was The Gal
VARIETY – In what would be the rawest (and most hilarious) season of “The Bachelorette” yet, comedian Amy Schumer said she would join the last-man-standing dating show — if ABC agrees to some conditions. In an interview with E! News on Monday, Schumer said she would take on the role if she were allowed the following three stipulations: “A lot of money”; she would get to unapologetically be herself; and there would be an improved casting process. “The casting process would have to be different,” Schumer said about the show’s “weird” job descriptions for contestants. “It’s like, ‘former investment banker’?! They’re like, ‘flower enthusiast’? You’re like, ‘But what do you do? How come you could leave your life?’ I love when it’s like, ‘I have five kids at home but I just came here to follow my heart.’ It’s like maybe go take care of your kids? I would keep it very real. And I don’t know if it’s good for that show.”
That’s it. What do we got to lose? After years trying to find love in the wild world of online dating*, this may finally be what we’re looking for. Amy Schumer is the certified tits. Sure, she’s a bit of a frumpy side, but looks don’t matter down the line. If I’m taking the plunge into one vagina for the rest of my life it better be with someone I can shoot the shit with. I am not fluent in whatever bullshit language most women speak, but you could literally say ANYTHING to her and not only would she not be offended, she’d dish it right back in your face. She’s basically a dude, and trust me, if I could switch teams I think I’d give it a shot. This “Jack-O-Lantern with tits” can catch my dick anytime she wants.
Also, those millions in the bank and riding the coattails of a superstar in waiting wouldn’t be that bad of a gig. I’m basically a Stay At Home Dad already without the kids or responsibility. If I can live out the rest of my days in mesh shorts and intramural t-shirts and I’ll have it made in the shade.
*The amount of junk mail I receive from EbonyCircleRing.com and MulletPassions.com on a daily basis is unconstitutional.