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Steve Cohen Just Threw The First Perfect Game In New York Mets History With Today's Introductory Press Conference

Giphy Images.

I know that I just posted a 1.5 hour video of a 64-year-old hedge fund manager and 72-year-old executive talking about how they are going to run a business. But honestly, every single second of it was absolutely amazin' and had me grinning from ear to ear. Every. Single. Second. I've never seriously watched porn with another person in my life, but witnessing that press conference with thousands of people on #MetsTwitter cumming themselves with every single quote a hedge fund manager said was one of the most pleasurable experiences I've ever had. 

I spent the last year of my life comparing Steve Cohen to Jesus Christ, Thanos, and Dave Portnoy, who are three of the best to ever do it when it comes to speaking. Yet he somehow still came off better in that press conference than I could have ever imagined. I am happy I didn't have an invite to that call because I either would have asked Uncle Stevie when he is going to put Jerry Reinsdorf's head on a spike or just gone full Chris Farley Show on him.

Every single line Uncle Stevie fired off was 105 MPH on the black. From buying the Mets for the fans instead of making money, to how he wants to put the right people in charge, to building a sustainable winner by growing a farm system while spending where you have to, to treating everyone in the organization like a person, making sure injuries are dealt with correctly, to trying to build a sustainable franchise that can win and become iconic while also putting an aggressive 3-5 year window for the first World Series win. 

To be honest, you can take everything there as one giant subtweet at the Wilpons if you want, but even Stevie and Sandy took the high road on all that while also answering every New York writers questions, some of which weren't softballs. I'm telling you guys, that 1.5 hour press conference was by FAR the most excited I've ever been about any of my teams, even if Sandy mistakenly said Luis Rojas will be manager in 2011 multiple times, even though he may be big braining us.

For those of you that don't have 90 minutes to burn at work, Kyle did a great job breaking down what was said on the We Gotta Believe Twitter handle:

Not to mention Uncle Stevie casually ethering that muckraking weasel A-Rod:

Sandy's portion wasn't as long, but it didn't stop blood from going to all the right places as someone that clearly knows he gets to run a big market team like a big market team. Moneyball with money!

You know things are going well when even that sad sack son of a bitch KFC is happy!

What a day. What a man. What a future. I am so happy for us and I am so happy for Jacob deGrom.

Ya gotta believe!