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The World Record of Mayonnaise Eating Was Effortlessly Smashed

I know. I know. This video is from February but I honestly had no idea that this feat was realized. What an unbelievable accomplishment. It's not often someone has the courage, grit, determination, or desire... mostly the desire... to house what appears to be nearly 4 jars of mayonnaise.  

As you all know, my gag reflex is incredible. If you don't believe me, ask your dad. Boom, roasted. 

With all the scuttlebutt about my gag reflex, I must be forthright; there is no chance I could eat that much mayo. Mayo is one of the only substances on god's blue, flat earth that make me want to vomit when I think about eating it as a stand alone. Mustard is fine. Ketchup is fine. Peanut butter. Pudding. Steak. I can eat all of those things without wanting to puke. You put a heaping spoon of mayo in my face and I wont eat it. I dont care if I hadn't eaten anything all day. I would not eat 4 jars of mayo even during my hungriest mid afternoon.

But, that's why this record is so damn impressive. She rolled her flannel sleeves up, pulled out the spoon, and shoved that shit in her gullet without even wincing. There was no Feitsesq puking. There was no dry heaves. It was just a woman, mayo, and destiny- followed by what would be unimaginable amounts of diarrhea. I hope her toilet had a wider mouth than she does or her commode would have trouble swallowing all that hot mayo goo. 

Over the last few months, America has been a single issue country. Covid. Covid. Covid. Because of that tunnel vision, we missed out on some great stories. This is one of those stories. It's time to rediscover whom we are as a nation. We celebrate achievements like this. We dont sweep them under the rug like smashed cheerios under a toddler's chair. 

To that end, let me say on behalf of all of us here at Barstool Sports, we applaud you, Michelle. For today only, Double Vodka Don's patented, "Let's go" rally cry should be "LESCO!" Lesco, indeed.