Last night, I was cooking dinner and watching TV when I stumbled upon the movie "Shrek" that was on Freeform. Now, before you all jump down my throats for never seeing Shrek, let me say this: go fuck yourself. Every single person on earth has that one movie that they haven't seen before that the rest of the world has.
And the most egregious list of them all is this guy:
I rest my case. For me it is/was Shrek. So we're going to review the movie now that it's fresh in my brain, because that's what our camera guy Tom asked for:
Mike Myers? Cameron Diaz? EDDIE MURPHY?? Are you fucking kidding me!!! That's as star studded a cast as there has ever been in movie history. What a fucking home run lineup for the year 2001 when Austin Powers, Something About Mary and The Nutty Professor were fresh in everyone's brains. If you said Eddie Murphy is the funniest dude ever, you'd have an argument.
I'm going to start with Lord Farquaad:
What a fucking twat this guy is. He rules "his" kingdom with an iron fist, a hammer and a sickle and is a complete and total loser. Eddie sympathizes with this guy, so you just know he's bad news. Notice how he's always wearing the color red, too. Someone get Joseph McCarthy on the phone.
I mean to torture a gingerbread man? You serious? If he's torturing a helpless gingerbread man, who knows what he's doing to puppies and babies and stuff. He probably had his knights and servants paint his castle walls red by chucking dead babies at them as hard as they can. Psycho. Total vagina too. Wouldn't even man up and try to save the princess from the dragon himself, just tried making his cronies do it for him until Shrek came along.
Shout out for being short tho
A broken man. Misunderstood. All he wants is to live HIS life in HIS swamp by HIMself. Is that too much to ask? No, but it's also a bunch of bullshit. This is a dude who's born to be hated, but dying to be loved. Just wants some sort of affection, but with an entire life of being called fat and ugly, he's lost faith in that ever happening. I can relate. Sure, he might have a hard exterior, but it's merely a shell that covers up a soft, gentle interior.
This motherfucker can throw HANDS too. You see him take out all of those guards? Just made fools of all of them. That and he's got some big brains. Always two steps ahead of everyone. Just wish he wouldn't have fallen for that dumb bitch Princess Fiona.
I kinda hate this broad. I mean be more into yourself - you can't. When Shrek originally went to save her in the dungeon castle thing with the dragon, I screamed at my TV, "Get off your high horse you twat! Not everything is about you!" Anytime she'd open her mouth and tell Shrek what he should do for her as a knight I wanted to throw my phone through my TV.
And to tell Donkey that Shrek is too ugly for her to marry him? Get the fuck out of my face. I mean yeah if you were "actually" the hot looking broad with perky tits and a nice tight ass we originally thought you were then sure, you'd have a point. Hot people date other hot people and ugly people date other ugly people. That's just the way of the world. But she knew she was also an ogre as soon as the sun went down so…. go fuck yourself, ya dumb ho. Shrek risked his life for you and was nothing but a gentleman the entire time. A "simp" if you will - your ogre ass should be all over someone like him. I don't give a fuck that they fell in love at the end, Princess Fiona can suck my balls, even if she turned me on when she beat up Robin Hood and his crew with her bare hands.
I'm sorry that Game of Thrones is still fresh in my mind, but the dragon came off as kind of soft to me. A massive bitch, if you will That and she couldn't paint the black with her fire. Just zero command of her fastball. When we were originally introduced to the dragon, she tried to breath fire on Shrek when he was running out of the dungeon with Princess Fiona… didn't come close. You're a dragon! How hard is it to burn someone to a crisp!!!
That and she's a complete ho. I mean go find another dragon to bang and keep your twat in your pants and quit taking advantage of Donkey.
I love this fucking guy. What a dude. Loyal as a dog, always has his boys back and is accepting of everyone, ogre, human, dragon or fairy tale creature. Dumber than a box of rocks, but every group needs the dumb guy in it to keep everyone on their toes. My favorite scene of the whole movie was when the dragon had him wrapped up in her tail like a goddamn boa constrictor and he was yucking it up with her like it was no big deal because he was completely oblivious to the fact that he was about to be a quick bite to eat for the dragon. Absolutely fucking hilarious scene and Donkey was absolutely fucking hilarious the entire movie.
All in all, it was a solid B+/A- movie, an 8.4 or so. I can't go higher because I still think Toy Story 1 and 3 are the GOATS of that sort of animation and genre, but Shrek is definitely great.
I'm hate that I never saw it as a kid. I'm sure a lot of the sexual innuendos and adult themes that would have flown over my head 20 years ago would have made it way more enjoyable for me today. What a great flick, and I can't wait to watch Shrek 2 sometime soon.
Do yourself a favor and watch your "Shrek" this weekend. And by "your" Shrek, I mean go and watch the one movie you haven't seen that everyone else on earth has. I'm sure there's lots of people who haven't lived life by watching Shawshank or Titanic yet. Until then, queue the music!!