We’re halfway through the NFL season, let’s overreact to the state of the NFC and look forward to infinity and beyond.
Seattle Seahawks (6-1):
It’s taken 8 years, but the Seahawks finally took the reins off of Russell Wilson and are “letting him cook”. The problem is, they’re letting every other team into the kitchen as well. That’s a big issue especially given they’re the only top tier team that has a negative defensive rating. The good thing is they’re so exciting they play in a lot of prime time games; the bad thing is none of those games end before 3:00 a.m. Chris Carson, Deejay Dallas, TJ Austin (not a real player), doesn’t matter who runs the ball, or who they play against. This is the most complete offense in the league (besides the Chiefs). Are they fun to watch? Yes. Am I sold? Not quite yet.
Arizona Cardinals (5-2):
The Kyler Murray Track Show is off and running. He’s averaging over 62 yards on the ground, which ranks him #14 among ALL rushers in the NFL. For a guy who’s literally half the size of Derrick Henry, that’s surreal. On top of that, he’s already thrown 20 TDs this year. But all of this glitz and glam, like a woman you meet at a bar in Beverly Hills, can be deceiving. The truth is, at this point, Kyler Murray is currently a middle of the road passer ranked behind Wentz AND Philip Rivers, who aren’t exactly lighting the league on fire. On the flip side, losing Chandler Jones (19 sacks last year!) is a massive blow to a D that isn’t deep and pretty leaky. Credit to me for not making a sex joke here. They’ll battle the Seahawks for the division title (and probably home field) to the wire.
LA Rams (5-3):
I’m sorry but if you believe in the LA Rams, I have a plot of beachfront land in Iowa to sell you. Fitting for a team from Los Angeles, they are faker than a soft core porn star trying to make her way in the San Fernando Valley. The running game is spotty, Jared Goff is inconsistent as hell, and the Sean McVay sheen is starting to lose its luster. Yeah, they have a shitload of weapons and a monster in Aaron Donald, but they don’t pass the smell test. They barely beat the Giants, and lost to the Bills, Niners and COUGH COUGH the Dolphins. Given that they share a division with the Seahawks and Cards, my best prediction is that they don’t even make the playoffs. Sorry, not sorry.
San Francisco 49ers (4-4):
No team personifies the Super Bowl hangover quite like the Niners. I think every skill player is either out indefinitely or on IR including Kittle and Garoppolo. Does Nick Mullens have what it takes to throw dimes to receivers even Niner fans have never heard of? Will Jordan Reed EVER be healthy? This offense is fucking SUS but they can certainly win games just off of their defense alone. They’re currently 1-2 in divisional play and the schedule gets hard from here on out. They only have 3 cupcake games left in the next 8 with the Bills, Packers, Saints, Cards, and Seahawks looming. This team will be very angry when they’re chilling on the couch, nursing their injuries, and watching a shitty NFC east team play in the postseason.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-2):
The Bucs seemed like a strange landing spot for Tommy until Gronk signed and immediately made Tompa the center of the NFL universe. The verdict halfway through the season? Super Bowl favorites. We finally get to see how good this defense is now that Jameis Winston isn’t there to throw 32 picks, and even without a full offseason to get into the groove, Tommy seems to have developed chemistry with his plethora of receivers. Wonder why… And say what you will about Bruce Arians, we’re seeing a side of Brady that pundits thought he was no longer capable of. And speaking of rejuvenated careers, Tom made sure to bring his friends Antonio Brown and Gronk, who looks like the monster he once was 5 years ago. SCARY. Maybe if Bill Belichick had drafted AJ Brown instead of N'Keal Harry and just allowed witch doctor Alex Guerrero to “brain train” the Patriots in the locker room, they wouldn’t be shitting the bed in New England right now. Something to think about.
New Orleans Saints (5-2)
Things have gone as well this season for the New Orleans Saints as Drew Brees’ handshake meme. Looks good on paper but in reality, feels slightly off. Emmanuel Sanders has been unavailable due to a positive Rona diagnosis and it turns out 2020 is the year NFL defenses can’t guard Mike… because he hasn’t played all year since opening week due to injuries and getting into fist fights with his teammates. Despite how bad Brees looks without his two most important receivers, Alvin Kamara, fresh off of an extension, is more than happy to carry the load. The funny thing about seeing Brees and Brady swapping the NFL Passing TD record every week is realizing only one of them has a legit chance of winning the Super Bowl, and it’s not the balding one.
Carolina Panthers (3-5)
You may not have noticed, because no one is watching their games, but Carolina is better than you’d think. As long as they can keep Teddy Bridgewater’s head from getting taken off his shoulders, this team is very close to being legit. Even without Christian McCaffrey, the running game has been prettay prettay prettay good. Adding Robbie Anderson to DJ Moore and Curtis Samuel gives this team a sneaky potent offense that can compete with and then eventually lose to anyone by 3. Two more years and they’ll be ready to take the division, if Bridgewater can stay healthy -- and unfortunately, knowing Teddy’s luck, that’s a big IF. Until then, look for them to spoil someone’s season in a 1 o’clock Sunday Ticket game near you.
Atlanta Falcons (2-6):
Has any team disappointed its fan base quite like the Falcons this year? Not only did they blow two games with a 99% win probability (is that bad? Seems bad) they finally got their coach fired in the process. The team is wasting two of the most dynamic receivers in the game by their commitment to losing in such dramatic fashion. Can you say rebuild? The most disappointing thing of all? They’ll still somehow find a way to rattle off 5 of 6 wins, putting them square in the middle of no man's land. Which means you’ll get 3-4 more opportunities to see Arthur Blank haunt the sidelines in a covid mask.
Philadelphia Eagles (3-4-1)
The Bad news, the Eagles are trash. The good news, they play in a division where EVERYONE else is worse. It’s painfully obvious to everyone, including Doug Pederson, that it's time to move on from Carson Wentz. His pocket awareness is SUS which is shocking for a guy who has spent more on his back (on and off the field) than a bottom barrel street corner hooker. If they could get a franchise QB (BIG IF), this team could actually be pretty good (barring the evr injuries). Boston Scott and Miles Sanders are a potent one two punch and with Jalen Reagor, Travis Fulgham, and Dallas Goedert returning from IR, this team has plenty of weapons to put up points. They’ll benefit from playing NAIA quality divisional opponents, only to lose by 35 points at home in their playoff game.
Washington Football Team (2-5)
BAHAHAHAHAH. This team will never be good until they get rid of the worst owner in all of sports, Dan Snyder.
Dallas Cowboys (2-6)
Here’s a TIP… FADE THE BOYS. Dallas currently is 0-8 ATS, which is even worse than the Goddamn Jets (1-7 ATS). When you’re 5 Quarterbacks into the depth chart and just 8 weeks into the season, things are not going well. The greatest symbol of the Cowboys season is Andy Dalton: from bench to starter to concussion to COVID in a two week timespan. It gets worse, though, not only can this team no longer score without franchise QB Dak Prescott, they can’t stop anyone either. They’re like if the Jaguars defense and the Jets offense had a baby. Ugly combination. Jerry says they’re not tanking, but after the garage sale to their already abysmal defense, it appears they are.
NY Giants (1-7)
The only silver lining for Giants fans who have to watch Danny Dimes throw picks into nickel coverage every game is the fact they aren’t the worst team in New York. Without Saquon this team has serious trouble moving the ball, which is ironic because with Saquon, they still have trouble moving the ball. They’re bad. Not JETS bad, but really, really bad. It’s not exactly certain where to begin fixing this team. Is Judge a good coach? Is Danny a good QB? Will Jason Garrett ever stop clapping? No, no and never.
Green Bay Packers (5-2):
For a team that SHOULD be a Super Bowl favorite, Green Bay has managed to shit the bed twice already this year, and that’s before one of their RBs infected nearly the entire offense. Preseason worries about a Rodgers-Lafleur tensions simmered quickly, but let’s face it, the Packers with a CeeDee Lamb or Jerry Jeudy would be MUCH scarier come January. As usual, this team thinks Aaron Rodgers can and should win it by putting the team on his shoulders. And you know what? Knowing him? He just might.
Chicago Bears (5-3):
This team is FAKE. Their top 5 defense is the only reason they have 5 wins. Mitch Trubisky or Nick Foles? Doesn’t matter. It’s Chicago and the Football Gods have decided that they shall never have a passing game. Especially when Matt Nagy is calling plays that the QB knows has ZERO chance working when he sends them in. Death, Taxes and Chicago struggling to find their franchise quarterback. 2020 is just rinse and repeat for Bears fans. The Bears should make the playoffs, and then proceed to lose in another strange, catastrophic fashion (double doink part deux).
Detroit Lions (3-4):
Has anyone actually watched a Lions game start to finish this year? Matt Stafford, who just went to COVID IR, may eventually own every passing record in the NFL and STILL not make the Hall of Fame. Talk about squandering talent. Congratulations Lions fans, your best win this year to date is squeaking out a close one against the Cardinals. Never forget, the greatest RB (Barry Sanders) and WR (Megatron) in modern history both chose to retire in their prime rather than play another game in Detroit. Ouch. The Lions would be favorites to make a deep run of Matt Particia hadn’t decided to be Belichick Jr. and run off Slay and Quandre Diggs for no reason.
Minnesota Vikings (2-5):
Kirk Cousins is making $33 million a year. Let that sink in a minute. He is currently the #26 ranked QB in the NFL, 21 spots behind Ryan Fitzpatrick who just got benched for a rookie. It’s clear with Thielen, rookie Justin Jefferson and Dalvin Cook, they have enough pieces to compete and yet… they constantly disappoint. And the good news? You're stuck with him for another two seasons after this. YOU LIKE THAT? Not if you’re from Minnesota, you don’t. And par for the course, they beat Green Bay when tanking was the order of the day, ensuring a draft pick between #7-#14 where they’ll take a pick that won’t help the team until the final year of his rookie deal. Poor Dalvin Cook. He deserves so much better.
That’s it for the half season overreactions. I’ll be back at the end of the season to see if anything changed!