I know I'm about as positive, or some people would say braindead, about the Giants as a fan can be right now. But even I can admit that a Big Blue win tonight is a big ask for the G-Men and not just because the Barstool Sports app has them listed as 12.5 point home dogs (Download and play responsibly now!).
Back when the schedule came out whenever the fuck it came out because every day has been the same since March, I thought it would be a tough start to the season for Big Blue. But I got excited about this soft pocket of the schedule with six games against NFC East teams and the a Bengals, even though they were all wrapped around what appeared to be a tough matchup against the Bucs. And based on everything that has happened this season, I don't feel much better about it now than I did then. Everyone is sucking the Bucs' proverbial dicks for big wins over the Packers and Raiders while the Giants have been punching their fans in the proverbial balls and inflicting pain that I didn't know was even possible after the last few years.
Now the best case scenario is that Danny Dimes balls the fuck out against the Bucs like he did in his first start last year, which was not only the most fun I've had watching the Giants in years but also the last time the Giants fanbase was all happy together.
Working in the Giants favor is that tonight is a Color Rush night.
If you thought Daniel Jones looked fast while breaking land speed records against the Eagles last week, you better be prepared for your TV to start smoking once La Flama Blanca starts spinning his wheels with those threads on, while The Wayne Train will have some extra life in his legs and Dion Lewis will be the shiftiest motherfucker in the universe, which is good because the Bucs have been real motherfuckers against the run.
It's crazy how much the color of the jersey change how I expect the Giants to look in these throwbacks. If they were wearing the old school blue jerseys, every player would appear 10 times stronger but also slower than they do in regular uniforms, which would be useful considering the offensive line got sent home last week because of Will Hernandez's positive COVID-19 test and the Shaq Barrett/JPP combo is a fucking nightmare.
However those whites are bumping up the Speed ratings even though the Giants just straight up don't win with them on (That being said, please change the helmets back to the GIANTS version since they are forever number 1 in my heart). I personally would have preferred if the Giants were rocking a 2007 or 2011 Giants throwback patches or some shit in a night game against Tom Brady because, well, you know.
The Giants have more of a pass rush from the 2 guys in that video than they've had in years
But beggars can't be choosers and the Giants are about three levels below beggar on the NFL hierarchy right now.
Speaking of the pass defense, we all remember what Mike Evans did to the Giants D and Janoris Jenkins last year, who was allegedly the cornerback that was guarding Evans even though I use the word guard veryyyyy loosely.
Luckily the Giants upgraded from Jack Rabbit to James Bradberry, who has put Evans in the dungeon multiple times over the years when they were facing off in the NFC South.
No Chris Godwin tonight means we may have a Bradberry v. Evans main event, which would be awesome to see. I'm already annoyed at the annoying over-the-middle catches Scotty Miller makes tonight because he's a quick little white guy named Scotty and I hope Gronk resembles more of the lumbering offensive lineman that he looked like earlier in the season than the usual matchup problem he's been recently, even if Brady is giving off major Old Florida Man From Del Boca Vista vibes these days.
The Giants rushing defense is the one unit on the entire team I have a decent amount of confidence in holding their ground, at least until they are completely wiped out due to the shortcomings of the Giants pass defense as well as entire offense. But with Ronald Jones running mean with a lead and Leonard Fournette being able to catch a pass out of the backfield, I am even worried about this unit being overmatched if the G-Men start off slow again.
But you know what? Fuck it. If Danny and Sterling get as hot as they did in last year's game, the defense plays stout enough to make the Bucs work for everything, Tom Brady's PTSD from both Giants Super Bowls has him seeing a pass rush that doesn't exist, James Bradberry puts Mike Evans back into the torture chamber, and Coach Judge has his special teams looking extra special, we...have a chance!
If you believe in this team, follow the new Barstool Sports New York Twitter account. run by that funny yet Friendly's-hoarding snake Joey Langone. And if you believe in Danny Dimes, submit to enter the Daniel Jones Hype Group.