Yesterday, our main Twitter account posted this video.
The general sentiment surrounding this question was as follows:
The GameBoy Pokemon games defined a generation. They took the entire world by storm and I'm pretty sure every single person currently aged 10-35 has some sort of pleasant memory of playing these. Now, I tapped out after the first generation. The original 151 Pokemon. I think this is true of many people due to age, interest and who knows what other reasons. It was then that I had an idea.
Back when I first started blogging, I did some ranking. Some satirical, some not. So I decided, at the behest of many, to rank all 151 original Pokemon. A few factors will be taken into account: How badass they are, notoriety, cuteness, how cool they look, creativity and gneral feel.
This was insanely difficult to do. 151 is a lot. I hope you all enjoy. I'm sure no one will tell me how big a waste of time this was.
Here It is:
151. Spearow: A normal-sized regular ass looking bird? The poor man's Pidgey? Garbage.
150. Zubat: Anytime a Pokemon is basically just a regular ass real-life animal that kills its stock. That is a bat. And not even a cool bat.
149. Golbat: I mean better(?) than Zubat because bigger, but better is really barely by a thin margin here. See points made above.
148. Metapod: 'Ol greenbean looking headass. All this guy could do is harden. As a man who sometimes suffers from impotence (dick doesn't work), this bumped him up a few spots, but not very far.
147. Kakuna: Also got hard, also was pretty useless, BUT was cooler looking than Metapod and a bit more rare to find, so it takes the slight edge.
146. Tauros: Literally just a bull. The lack of creativity is borderline offensive.
145. Weedle: If I had a nickel for every useless Weedle I beat the absolute brakes off of while cruising through the highgrass. They are kind of cute, but damn are they useless.
144. Caterpie: Caterpie gets nostalgia points because it is likely the first Pokemon you ever battled out in the field, but that is about all it is good for.
143. Krabby: I mean that is just a crab. Nothing more nothing less.
142. Kingler: Bigger crab.
141. Pidgey: Being able to learn to fly was HUGE in these games. Stash a Pidgey down at the bottom of your set and let it fly.
140. Bellsprout: Had poison capabilities which was tight, but was also just a fucking plant
139. Weepinbell: Fellas, how many beers? Is joking about a Pokemon giving a Gluck Gluck 9000 frowned upon? Too late I guess.
138. Nidoran (Male): Tricky here because I don't want to get cancelled. I never knew what gender symbol meant what playing this game growing up, but I'm going to just go with this ranking for 140 and 139 and then move on. These were important Pokemon, they evolved into some beastly mfers, but this is where they belong.
137. Nidoran (Female): See above.
136. Paras: You didn't see a ton of Paras Pokemon floating around. This level of slight rarity, combined with the fact that it is a cooler looking crustacean than Krabby, solidifies a top-136 finish for Paras.
135. Porygon: Something about this Pokemon was always unsettling. I simply do not like how it looks. Is it origami? I do not know. A lack of evolution potential combined with the above isn't exactly a dynamite combo.
134. Seel: I mean, that is just a fucking seal. Being a water Pokemon who could help you swim around helps a ton, valuable in these games, but come on. Seel?
133. Horsea: Is Horsea adorable? Sure, of course. Sneaky effective Pokemon as well, but nothing more than that. At least they reversed seahorse to horsea. Slight bump for at least reversing
132. Nidorina: I reversed the genders here in the name of equality. These Pokemon can fight, but they were abundant in numbers. Nothing special when one of these two popped up.
131. Nidorino: See above.
130. Farfetch'd: I honestly did not remember this Pokemon existed until I began to curate this list. He seems to be holding a Leek? That is sick. Guess he's a bird? Not bad but I think this is where he belongs.
129. Omanyte: This guy is cute but he couldn't fight for shit. Absolutely useless in that department. He is also a snail.
128. Goldeen: The humanlike eyes and lips of this fish make me very uncomfortable. I am not a fan of how it makes me feel. For that reason, it does not crack the top-128.
127. Jynx: Something about Jynx just feels racist to me. Something is off. I am not comfortable putting her? Feels like a her, much higher than this.
126. Pidgeotto: Earlier points about flying still stand. I seem to remember this Pokemon being sneaky effective. Also has kind of a badass mohawk.
125. Sandshrew: This is just an armadillo, right? Kind of at least? It is armadillo-esque. This pokemon has a pretty badass evolution ahead of it, so it gets points for that, but otherwise pretty boring.
124. Koffing: Pretty lazy naming here. We get it, he is coughing. He also looks like he smells terrible. Are those farts? Gross.
123. Doduo: We're dealing with a ton of middle-of-the-road Pokemon for a long time here. There is nothing wrong with Doduo. There is nothing great about Doduo. The feet are weird looking though. A lack of arms or wings is also concerning.
122. Venonat: Venonat is objectively cool looking. Cool purple, cool antennae, shaggy coat. Nothing wrong with Venonat.
121. Shellder: This lil dude's tongue is funny. Big "wazzzuuuppp" energy. He's funny, puts a smile on my face. Not really a brawler but that's okay. He is what he is and that is fine.
120. Dewgong: A bigger seal. A more creative name, which is appreciated, but also still very much just a seal. Forgettable.
119. Raichu: Though it is the evolution of a bonafide star who we will see later, Raichu just doesn't move the needle. Nothing insanely special or inspiring about Raichu.
118. Fearow: Fearow is big, imposing and strong, but just not exciting. The Hassan Whiteside of Pokemon.
117. Rattata: Now, I see how this can seem high. I get that. BUT, do not forget that Rattata can deliver quick attack, which was an absolute powerhouse early on in the games. Sneaking in and burying other trainers and wild Pokemon alike.
116. Diglett: Diglett was hilarious looking. Also the mystery of what the hell Diglett was underneath his hole is exciting. Earns him some credibility others lack.
115. Gloom: This Pokemon is depressed as shit. I am depressed as shit. That gets Gloom a boost. Feel better, Gloom.
114. Butterfree: Butterflies are cool. This butterfly is goddamn huge. As a result, extra cool butterfly. I can get down with that.
113. Cloyster: Cloyster beat ass but he's also just a dumbass mollusk.
112. Tangela: Tangela is another mystery Pokemon. Is there a face? Just eyes? Who knows? I don't
111. Dodrio: Doduo plus an extra head. Again, no complaints but really doesn't do much for me, or anyone.
110. Exeggcute: I always felt unsettled about the one cracked egg hanging with all his pals (siblings)? Is he dead? Are they just Weekend at Berniesing around a dead colleague?
109. Ponyta: Essentially just a pony but is also on fire which is cool as hell.
108. Victreebel: This thing actually kicked ass but it looks weird as hell and lacks a proper face with normal eye placement and I do not like that.
107. Raticate: This Pokemon absolutely OBLITERATED on the battlefield, but at the end of the day Is still very much just a big rat.
106. Seadra: Also, like it's pre-evolution Horsea, is very much just a seahorse, BUT this one has cool spikes on its back and looks PISSED so I'm into it.
105. Cubone: Wearing the skull of another animal on your face is metal as hell. Absolutely terrifying. Major respect to this little guy.
104. Marowak: Having the entire skull of another animal AS your face is even more metal.
103. Tentacool: It's in the name. Tentacool. This thing is cool. Big red boils/orbs on the head are sweet. Would not want to run into this thing.
102. Wigglytuff: Here's a case of the evolutionary Pokemon being worse than the one it evolves from. Wigglytuff is cool, cute and powerful but doesn't have the notoriety or legendary status of it's pre-evolution.
101. Parasect: This thing is fucking TERRIFYING. Blank, lifeless, eyes. Horrifying.
100. Venomoth: It is a giant moth. I mean GIANT. Sheer size and a cool color combo brings this Pokemon to the top-100.
99. Vileplume: Another late evolution coming a bit early. Vileplume is fine and can beat some ass, but just nothing overly exciting about this Pokemon.
98. Persian: This cat is badass, and though it lacks anything defining or awe-inspiring, this is a fine Pokemon that evolves from legend.
97. Dugtrio: The mystery of what the heck does this thing's body like underground propels Dugtrio forward. Also, dig was an awesome attack.
96. Golduck: Cool color, decent attacker, but forgettable.
95. Growlithe: Growlithe is very cool looking, and there is nothing wrong with the Pokemon, but a lack of attacking ability and the fact that it is basically a dog puts it here.
94. Magicarp: Is this high for a floppy fish? Yes. Does the ability of this useless little fish turning into an absolute BEAST earn this spot? Hell yes.
93. Seaking: Also a fish. Swimming is cool, but this is still very much a fish, even with some badass fangs and cool markings.
92. Staryu: This thing shot laser beams out of its belly-button/butthole shiny thing. That is cool as shit. Also was a favorite of Misty's and Misty was rad.
91. Dratini: Dragons are cool, but this is the least cool dragons of all the dragon-like Pokemon.
90. Ekans: I nearly shit my pants from surprise when I realized Ekans was just Snake backward. That, plus some badass eyes and the fact that snakes are cool in their own right, solidifies this Pokemon's spot on the list.
89. Mankey: I will admit some bias here, since growing up I had a Mankey plush toy that I cherished. I do not think it is crazy unreasonable though. Monkeys are cool, this is like a monkey, it plays.
88. Beedrill: This Pokemon was carried to this ranking based strictly on intimidation factor alone. Those giant stingers? No thank you.
87. Clefairy: Clefairy's ability to do copycat, where it could just copy some other badass move used by another Pokemon, was sweet. Beyond that, not an insane amount to be happy about, but nothing to balk at either. A powerhouse on the battlefield and cute as hell.
86. Clefable: Truly every single reason above just bigger and as a result a bit stronger.
85. Arbok: Kobra backward. Same deal as Ekans. Those pussies on team rocket used this thing to death, so it left a bad taste in my mouth, but there is no denying that it looks cool and can compete in fights.
84. Muk: Kum backward. Can't be a coincidence. Just can't be. Gelatinous and gross, but funny to look at and could absorb contact like a mfer. Not cute in the slightest.
83. Rapidash: Also very much a horse, however more on fire than Ponyta. Things on fire are cool. Nothing more, nothing less.
82. Magnemite: I do not understand how magnets work. This is a living magnet. Electricity attacks are scary. This thing is scary.
81. Golem: Though the third evolution, and super powerful, the most forgettable and least cool looking of the three.
80. Nidoking: These could beat some absolute ass. They sit in the 80s because they were generally the first Pokemon you could get to the final evolution on your own. Effective, good, but as I have said for a few others, nothing insanely cool or great about either. It isn't all about power.
79. Nidoqueen: See above.
78. Drowzee: This thing was super high all the time. While other Pokemon were made to look dumb, I genuinely feel that this man was just high as hell always.
77. Voltorb: This thing was a beast. Not sure why they designed a Pokemon that look like a Pokeball? Feels lazy, but this thing was great and effective.
76. Electabuzz: Super rare, didn't come across many, but was always a treat to do so.
75. Magmar: Always grouped this guy with Electabuzz, but fire>electricity. Just looks cooler.
74. Oddish: The pinnacle of cute, just so goddamn cute, but couldn't fight for shit so I couldn't in good faith put it higher.
73. Slowpoke: It is a bit strange how many Pokemon they seemed to make intentionally dumb looking. Slowpoke wasn't afraid to laugh at himself, and for that I respect him. Could fight his ass off too.
72. Slowbro: Slowpoke with some sort of other animal biting his ass. Basically the same, but the ass-biting thing is pretty cool.
71. Pidgeot: Another Pokemon you likely became attached to by evolving it to this point. Could dominate, could still fly, but there's just nothing that exciting about a big bird.
70. Arcanine: So fucking cool looking. This Pokemon exuded confidence. The best of a tiger, dog and some other four-legged beast. It isn't really about what is right and what is wrong at this point. We're really getting into some great Pokemon.
69. Vulpix: Beautiful Pokemon. Big fluffy tail, puppdog eyes. Cute scale through the roof.
68. Rhyhorn: A beast. Terrifying. Imposing.
67. Lickitung: Feel kind of bad for not giving him 69 because look at him, he just deserved a bit better.
66. Sandslash: This thing had sick claws. It had the rare combo of being cute and scary.
65. Poliwag: Adorable, cool, small, powerful. Part of a great evolutionary tree. Not much more you can ask for.
64. Electrode: A bigger version of Voltorb, but with much more lifelike eyes and eyebrows. Also the colors are swapped. This guy dealt out DAMAGE.
63. Exeggutor: Another stoner Pokemon. Definitely blazed. Also for sure a dumbass. Also huge.
62. Rhydon: A much more lifelike version of Rhyhorn. Stands on hind legs and has a drill for a nose. Badass.
61. Starmie: All the cool shit from Staryu just purple and bigger. Lazer asshole belly button like you read about.
60. Weezing: Pretty sure this Pokemon was chronically ill. Also seems to be a Koffing plus another head tacked on. Disgusting but strong.
59. Tentacruel: This thing is seriously terrifying looking. I was once stung by a jellyfish and it really hurt. I do not like the look of this thing. Scary. Even the name.
58. Machoke: The forgettable middle child of the Ma-evolution. A beast and cool as hell, but the lest of the three so it goes here.
57. Poliwhirl: Polywag but with fuckin mitts for hands. A cool spiral on it's stomach and sleek blue color. A good looking lad.
56. Graveler: Graveler is a cool ass name. This guy also has a pair of arms coming out of nowhere. Built like a brick shithouse.
55. Ninetales: Probably the most beautiful Pokemon of the bunch. Elegance and class, two things you don't necessarily see in this lineup.
54. Primeape: Powerful, scary, kind of cute, but more monkey than mystery.
53. Gastly: Ghosts are rad. This is the least rad ghost, but still super rad.
52. Magneton: Six magnets. Three eyes. Electricity out the ass. Nothing wrong there.
51. Chansey: You walk into a Pokemon Center, what do you see waiting for you? A Chansey. Consistency like you almost never see in this world.
50. Abra: Top 50! A true honor. Cute as hell. Psychic which is scary, but not insanely powerful.
49. Psyduck: Psychic, which we know is scary. But a duck. Ducks are cool! But this is a dumbass duck.
48. Machop: Machop was small but still beat some ass. He also had sick ass triple-mohawk.
47. Hypno: Cool furry collar, hypnotizing people left and right, shedded some lbs since he evolved from Drowzee. A powerhouse.
46. Ivysaur: This was tough. One of the OG three's evolutions had to be first. It is Ivysaur.
45. Geodude: For some reason, Geodude is just more memorable than the two he evolves into. His round ass head/body, two yoked arms. The ability to get strong as hell quickly. A refusal to smile It all contributes.
44. Kadabra: I mean he's bend spoons right in your goddamn face.
43. Wartortle: Lost all the cuteness that Squirtle brought to the table, but lacked enough intensity to make up for it. Still a legend.
42. Gengar: This man had a maniacal- ass smile. Also kind of thicc. Just a scary little fella.
41. Onix: Big time badass, Brock's favorite, but a lack of evolution structure leaves him shorter than he could be otherwise.
40. Grimer: Cuter version of Muk. Like the yuck puddle from Always Sunny come to life. Just slurpin' around minding his own business.
39. Mr. Mime: I'm pretty sure this is a man? Why is this man disguised as a Pokemon?
38. Kangaskhan: For some reason, even though he is big, scary, has a baby and is overall pretty badass, he is forgettable. You just don't see a lot of Kangaskhan talk.
37. Machamp: The man is wearing a belt that is holding up nothing. What does that imply? He won that belt. He also has four DIESEL arms.
36. Charmeleon: The middle-Pokemon of the three OGs just lack the flare of the first and third evolutions, but of the three Charmeleon was the coolest.
35. Hitonmonchan: Chan and Lee are always grouped together. Two peas in a pod. For good reason. They're very similar, BUT…
34. Hitmonlee: Kicking is cooler than punching.
33. Venusaur: Venusaur is a monster, a beast, but also mostly a plant. A legend, but the least legendary of the legends.
32. Meowth: Meowth got a lot of screentime on the TV show as an accessory to Team Rocket. HOWEVER, Meowth was stacked with cash. Always had money. I don't believe any other Pokemon had money.
31. Dragonair: Dragons are cool. Snakes are cool. This is a dragon-snake combo. That is 2x as cool.
30. Kabutops: You didn't see a ton of Kabutops. Very rare. Very scary. Blades for hands. Very cool.
29. Kabuto: Those red eyes are true horror. Some big-time creepy-crawly scary shit.
28. Omastar: This thing's eyes and mouths alone explain why it is a severely underrated Pokemon. Lifeless, terrifying, spikes, it has it all
27. Vaporeon: All of the Eevee-evolutions are sweet. Vaporeon is the least sweet.
26. Alakazam: More spoons = cooler. King psychic shit. Levitating is badass. Look at that beard!
25. Poliwrath: Wrath in the name. The final level of a great evolution tree. Poliwrath beats ass.
24. Pinsir: Spikey horns, razor-sharp teeth. The only thing keeping this out of the top 10 is how rare it was to find one.
23. Blastoise: There are cannons coming out of this turtle-creature's shell. That is all. Cannons.
22. Jolteon: Another cool Eevee evolution. Getting to choose which evolution to go with here was always a great part of playing these games. Electric Pokemon ruled.
21. Lapras: Sheer size puts this fella in this spot. It was believable that a trainer could actually ride on one. Points for that.
20. Aerodactyl: This thing had it all…except a creative name.
19. Gyrados: A water dragon that somehow evolved from Magicarp, which was hilarious. This thing was absolutely DOMINANT on the battlefield.
18. Bulbasaur: No knocking anyone who went with Bulbasaur as their first choice in the OG game…but I never did. Cute little bugger though.
17. Dragonite: Dragonite flew around and beat ass and did the entire thing with a smile on his face. Legend.
16. Articuno: The three rare birds are all obviously sweet. Articuno is the least badass of the three.
15. Flareon: Read everything I've said earlier about how cool Pokemon that are on fire are.
14. Eevee: Being able to turn into Vaporeon, Jolteon or Flareon is the ultimate flex. An absolute GOAT.
13. Haunter: For some reason a ghost whose body just trails off at the waist and has no legs is scarier than one with legs. Haunter was just insanely cool looking and absolutely beat ass.
12. Squirtle: Squirtle not cracking the top-10 was a tough one. Everyone knows Squirtle, everyone loves squirtly, but a line has to be drawn everywhere here.
11. Mew. Mew was a legend, obviously, but lacks any sort of intimidation.
10. Mewtwo: I'm not one to play god, but Mewtwo's legitimacy as a Pokemon is consistently questioned. This is where it belongs due to those issues.
9. Zapdos: Legendary bird. Electricity. Intense look. Flying. Overall badass.
8. Moltres: I do not need to make my point about fire again.
7. Jigglypuff: Incredibly cute, incredibly powerful and a legend people who don't even know Pokemon knows. Transcends the game.
6. Snorlax: Fat, lazy, blocked the road, but woke up to be a BEAST. Missing out on your once chance to get Snorlax was one of the most upsetting moments of my entire childhood I still think about to this day.
5. Ditto. Top 5. What a moment. Not putting Ditto first, considering it could become any other Pokemon, had my brain in a pretzel, but looking at it as just the little thing itself, here is where it stands. Insanely cute, funny little face. A perfect Pokemon.
4. Charmander: Charmander learned cut, Charmander could burn people, Charmander was adorable and Charmander became Charizard. Need I say more?
3. Pikachu: It may be a shock that Pikachu is not number 1. The ultimate companion, hanging outside the Pokeball. The best friend a man could ever have. Truly a perfect specimen, but not number one.
2. Scyther: Scyther was inexplicably cool. You could catch him in the Safari Zone and NEVER look back. The ultimate badass, confident and just the type of Pokemon a guy could only hope to ever own.
1. Charizard: Obviously it is Charizard. It was never going to be anything except Charizard. If you had a Charizard card in the early-2000s you were the coolest kid in school. Charizard blasted opponents, terrorized people and was just so absolutely GOATed.
There it is. If you made it here congrats. If you didn't, that is fine I enjoyed doing it.