We drafted Halloween candy this week on the Dog Walk which you can listen to here:
You'll notice in the 3rd round of the draft I confidently took Cow Tales with the 15th overall selection. Yes, even amidst relentless criticism of pandering, and the daily passive aggressive invalidation hurled at my drafts' successes. Even when challenged time and again on the grounds of insincerity, I still find strength in my heart to call upon Cow Tales because I fucking love them and I don't care who says otherwise. Is this the bad candy round? Go fuck yourself Clem. I don't mean that but I meant that.
I want a creamy vanilla caramel treat to balance the peanut M&M texture and the heavy caramel/rice crisp dynamic in the 100 grand. I want something that plays in all temperatures, that's easy to unwrap and can command an entire flavor profile across my palate. Is that a 3 musketeers? A Mr. Goodbar? Maybe a Charleston Chew for all the serial killers born in the 1950s? ABSOLUTELY NOT. How about a gimmick like watermelon sour patch? Or we could suggest things that don't exist like fun size Nutrageous or M&M Hershey Kisses? Maybe we just spend the next draft inventing halloween candy. That people would question Cow Tales one second while openly embracing Swedish Fish the next says everything you need to know about the importance of Distribution over Product. Swedish Fish fucking blows in comparison but that's not the point of the of the blog.
Instead let's just talk about Cow Tales because they're awesome. I love Cow Tales.
It's a different caramel. Let's start there. A+ texture with a soft yet profound snap in the bite. The way it holds a slight bend if you get the long one but never enough where you're nervous it will break… that's very nice. So is the packaging and the fact they glaze each tale with a dusting of powdered sugar. Flawless ratio of caramel to cream, which obviously isn't that easy or everyone else would be doing it. There's a reason there's one #1 caramel/vanilla cream on the market and the name is Cow Tales. The fact you'd be so willing to easily overlook this 1-2 punch says a lot about your taste buds, childhood and general lack of sophistication. I'm sorry to hear that.
On a presentation standpoint alone, Cow Tales are universally celebrated by industry experts. Kinda like how Miller Lite has the best can in the cooler so that's a nice little bonus for the aesthetics crowd. Tell me I'm wrong.
Cow Tales are delicious. They're probably at your local gas station and definitely offered via Costco industrial sized bags. Probably sitting there right now waiting for you to show up and eat them. So do yourself a favor and go get some Cow Tales today so you can help support my argument that they're a great fucking candy.