There's a house for sale in California's San Fernando Valley, but if you buy it, you might want to wipe down the bathroom before you move in. Because it's Brad and Stacy's house from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".
That's where Linda, played by Phoebe Cates, caught Brad "enjoying himself" in the bathroom while fantasizing about her.
The house is listed for $740,000, and yes, it still has the pool that was so pivotal to Brad's fantasy.
I've never needed 3 quarters of a mill so much in my entire life. I'm currently saving up to buy underground decommissioned Cold War nuclear warhead silos in the Sonoran Desert of Arizona, but after seeing the Fast Times house is for sale I'm pivoting. I NEED this house for what should be a very obvious reason, but if you're a goddamn millennial who was born in like 2002 and have no idea what I'm talking about, just know that this is the house where the greatest scene in cinematic history took place.
The Phoebe Cates scene.
Sure, Barstool can teeter on the line between NSFW and SFW, but I don't like to toe that line too often because I don't want to get bitched at by bosses for improperly labeling a post. But this scene is NSFW. Good thing like 95% of the country works from home now though, so bombs away on the link below:
And for a .GIF and SFW tutorial, here ya go:
It's not often I say this, but those are real, and they are absolutely fucking spectacular. Just an A1, top of the class, grade 80 rack. I saw this movie for the first time when I was prolly 13-14 years old and this scene was the first time I undoubtedly knew I liked tits and liked them a LOT.
And now you're going to tell me I can buy the house? Kinda? That I just need like $75K for a downpayment? Time to get my guy David Hochberg on the horn. He's the ONLY mortgage lender I trust
Sign me the FUCK up. It's as good an investment as there's ever been. I'll turn it into a tourist attraction and charge like $100 a ticket to swim in the pool and drink it's water like it's a holy sacrament or something, because it pretty much is. One gulp = $100. One forehead baptism splash = $50. Fully submerged cannonball off the diving board = $500.
I'm assuming the pool is like 50,000 gallons and unfortunately, there's only a finite amount of Phoebe Cates water in it. I did that by measuring it with my eyeballs and pretending that pools don't get refilled every year, but don't tell that to my future customers. To make things easy I'll assume 1/3 the people want the pool water forehead splash, the other 1/3rd want the gulp and the last third wants the cannonball.
17,000 gallons x $500 = $8,500,000 made in cannonball money
17,000 gallons x $100 = $1,700,000 made in Phoebe Cates' pool water gulp money
17,000 gallons x $50 = $850,000 made in Phoebe Cates' pool water forehead sacrament money
That's about $11,000,000 on a $750,000 investment. Did WSD do it again or did WSD do it again?
It'll be a bigger tourist attraction than Disney World, The Bean and Mecca combined. I'll even sell cotton candy and other concessions and souvenirs such as Fast Times at Ridgemont High on VHS. This is how we get fucking RICH. Fuck the stock market and other passive income streams. This Phoebe Cates pool scene theme park will make me money hand over fist.
Basically what I'm saying is someone loan me enough money to put a downpayment on the house. Assuming $75,000 is all I need, I'll pay back $100,000 once I open my Phoebe Cates theme park. Should only take a few hours to make the money back. That's a 33% ROI in like 2 hours. Not too shabby.
My DMs are wide open. Let's talk business.