Bussin’ With the Boys’ Spooktober is upon us. This week the boys were talking how to survive a horror movie, so in keeping up with this theme, I thought I’d give some odds on what some of my Barstool colleagues’ chances of surviving in a Barstool Horror Movie might be.
Alas, the odds are not too great. Maybe we can get Penn National Gaming to weigh in (download the App).
So here are a few of your favorite Barstool personalities, and what I believe their odds of surviving in a Barstool Horror Movie.
COUSIN MIKE: Michael S. Portnoy, Esq. is the prototypical summer lodge owner whose granddaughter brings up her scantily clad girlfriends and their meatheaded boy toys for a weekend in the woods. Unfortunately for Cousin Mike, the old man is always the first to die, although their bodies are usually not discovered until the third act, and then in some horribly gruesome jump scare manner. Very little chance Cousin Mike survives the Barstool Horror Movie. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: 5000-1.
FEITELBERG: John Henry Feitelberg would not do well in a horror movie. He would not fare well, in truth, in many stressful situations. Turn on an episode of Lowering the Bar for me one time, please. This guy pukes when a mosquito buzzes his head. The stress of dealing with an axe murderer would have him tossing his cookies in no time flat, and he’d be dead in a hot minute. He’s the kind of guy who’d die in the McGuffin. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: 1000-1.
KAYCE: I love Kayce. She’s incredibly nice in real life, but in horror movies, blondes do NOT fare well. Like, at ALL. From Halloween to Friday the 13th, they are normally the ones that are first to go, and usually in some horribly gruesome manner. So alas, I don’t see Kayce surviving in a Barstool Horror Movie past the first 30 minutes. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: 500-1.
TOMMY: The ultimate Survivor, Tommy is the character in the Barstool Horror Movie who actually knows what’s going on. He’s the one warning the other Barstool people about the dangers, and yet, he’s the one they never, ever listen to. Because he’s such a threat to the axe murderer, he’s singled out and stalked more than any other figure. And because he knows what is coming, he’s absolutely subjected to the most horrific death in the entire movie. In fact, Tommy’s death is the reason the movie almost gets an NC-17 rating. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: 100-1.
BRANDON WALKER: BWalk is the lazy sheriff in a horror movie who doesn't believe the kids when they tell them a brutal murderer is on the loose. By the time he realizes his mistake, he’s already got an ice pick to the back of his head, and the plucky female deputy who he shits on and makes her get coffee has to step in to save the day. A bit player, he makes it to the final third of the movie, but he does not have much of a chance of surviving. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: 75-1.
GLENNETH BALLS: Every horror movie has a Glenny Balls. In very few of them does the Glenny Balls character survive. However, Glenny shows remarkable quickness afoot and can be remarkably focussed when he wants to be, so he will certainly give the murderer fits. In fact, he’s odds on favorite to be the first to inflict any damage on the villain. Alas, some terrible accident (broken slat on a dock, unfortunately placed kid’s toy) causes him a fall just as he’s about to escape, and then it’s curtains for Balls. Sad, because he’s the guy the audience is rooting to survive. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: 33-1.
JARED CARRABIS: The jock character is hit or miss in horror movies. Athletes pretty much always die. The more athletic you are, the worse chances you have of surviving a horror movie. In this case, it all depends on whether we’re talking about the Rocket or Jared. The Rocket has no chance of surviving the movie, and in fact, he’s the character that most of the audience is actively rooting to die. Jared, on the other hand, has a reasonable chance of living. All those nights on the mean streets of Saugus has given him survival instincts, and it would not surprise me to see him hot wire a car and leave the scene of the crime without a scratch, yelling “FUCK THE YANKEES” as he peels out. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: The Rocket 1000-1, Jared 25-1.
RIA: Ria’s odds of surviving the Barstool Horror Movie went from 100-1 to 12-1 when she changed the color of her hair. That’s just facts. Plus she’s smart and funny, and the audience is rooting for her to survive, so she has better odds of making it out than almost anyone else. At worst she definitely makes it to the final third of the movie. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: 12-1.
LIZ: Liz is the survivor in the Barstool horror movie, the one that’s always three steps ahead of the murderer. I mean, have you SEEN her play Jenga? It’s like watching a female Richard Feynman in a corona mask. She’s the one who takes over leadership of the plucky survivors after the jock and the funny guy get the axe. She is also the one to figure out how to get out of the elaborate trap laid by the Mike Myers of the Barstool Horror Movie. And she’s also the one that, at the end of the movie, the camera pans on and shows her concerned face, because she knows the killer did not die and she’ll have to do this same movie at least four more times. ODDS OF SURVIVAL 3:2.
MANTIS: Virgins always live in horror movies. ODDS OF SURVIVAL: 1-10.
Who did I miss? Who do you think has the worst odds of surviving in a horror movie? The best? Sound off!
And remember to check out Bussin’ With the Boys latest Spooktober episode!