Fox News – Authorities say 69-year-old Frances Mach pulled into the driveway of her daughter’s Saratoga Springs home on Saturday, where 38-year-old Christopher Bigler jumped into her car and told her to drive.
Bigler then allegedly slapped the 69-year-old grandmother, but she fought back.
“I just balled up my fist and I nailed his head about three or four times and told him to get out of my car,” Mach said.
Police say Bigler fled the car and headed for Mach’s daughter’s home. They say he then locked himself in the apartment and set it on fire.
Authorities doused the flames and apprehended the suspect, who police believe was under the influence of methamphetamine.
Bigler is in critical condition in the hospital, where he is being treated for burns and smoke inhalation.
At first I wanted to be like “Ha look at this methy fuck boy getting his ass pummeled by Nana” but honestly, it’s not that big of an upset. Fuck no I’m not gonna try to jack a car from a woman whose voice sounds like a truck driver’s, named Frances Mach — might be the most badass grandma name ever — and who’s wielding ham hocks like this:
That’s like getting a Wile E Coyote boulder in your face while you’re trying to commit a little GTA. Hard pass here, go for a shittier car with someone with osteoporosis next time instead of Popeye Mach here.
Either way one thing is clear, this dude burning himself alive was the only move to make here, methed up or not. A life of crime for you wasn’t happening so your only hope it a semi honorable death. The Japanese samurais were right…sometimes the disgrace is just too much and you might as well just move on. Hopefully this guy makes for better jerky than he did a meth-fueled super criminal.