Barstool vs. America presented by High Noon - Season 2 | Episode 4 Premieres Tonight 7PM ETTUNE IN

Is It Considered Embarrassing to Get Your Ass Kicked By A "Horny" Duck?

It must suck to be the guy who got "terrorized" by a fucking duck. The last thing I'd want is for that to be plastered all over the internet. This is honestly the worst-case scenario. Had this happened and no one saw and/or knew; this man would be in the clear. However, now, your friends, family, co-workers, your neighbors are all gonna see that you got pushed around by an animal that's less than half your size. 

Giphy Images.

One could argue that this is some serious armchair quarterbacking form me; that I would do the same thing in the mailman's situation. To that, I say... probably. But I would never go back to the house. I'd just quit my job. You CANNOT play into the duck's hand. 

Source

A British mail carrier cried fowl after a “vicious sex-manic” duck ruffled his feathers during his rounds — but its owners apologized and promised to keep the horny bird under control, according to a report.

Steve Hinds, 58, was first attacked by Bob in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, on Saturday, when he tried to deliver letters to the Muscovy duck’s owners, Deadline News reported.

After the sex-crazed duck chased him again twice, Hinds vowed not to return unless Bob’s owners hatched a plan to contain him.

A ferocious mutt? Sure. More than fair to run and scream like a small child. But when you're getting run out of town by the motherfucker that's slinging Afflac, it's just a bad optimal. Getting chased by animals comes with the territory of becoming a mailman. If you can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen. A real mailman wouldn't let this hinder his ability. They'd fight through and make sure that they still delivered the mail. 

"Vowing" to never return unless the duck is contained is some of the softest shit of all time. What's the worst a duck can do anyways? All bark, no bite. They just run at you. Just stand there and take it, my man. Offensive foul, going the other way, then you've got yourself a case. A nice little payday for just eating a couple of duck shots to the legs. No harm is actually done to you. 

Unsure why they refer to this duck as horny, though. There was absolutely zero evidence of this duck being horny. It just seems like an average duck that wants to beat the shit out of some mailmen. It's not like the duck was attempting some sort of sexual maneuver on said mailman.

“To our postie. We are so sorry Bob has been attacking you (he attacks us too),” the owners wrote Hind in a note they attached to their gate.

“He used to be lovely and cuddly, now he is a vicious sex-manic. We have penned him and hopefully he won’t escape!” added the family, which also gave Hinds a chocolate bar as a peace offering.

“Lovely appologetic (sic) note from one of my customers today about the duck that attacked me,” Hinds wrote on Facebook about his frightful encounters.

So before this incident they just let this beaky motherfucker roam around? No wonder he was an absolute menace to society. Maybe contain your animals and they won't go off attacking innocent mailmen, spawning a whole debacle for the internet to watch. 

What's the point of having a pet duck anyways? They seem very irrational and erratic. Just be a fucking normal person and get a dog or something. At least then you can rationalize them attacking someone else. When you have to constantly defend your pet duck, it's probably not worth it. 

There's just always gonna be that awkward undertone between this couple and the mailman now. If I was the mailman, I'd quit just to simply to save myself the embarrassment. I couldn't handle the underlying truth that I got dominated by their horny pet duck. Find a new job and start fresh.