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Are You An Old That Likes Playing Battle Royale Games But Hates Constantly Getting Killed By All Those Damn Kids? Well Do I Have Just The Perfect Old School Mario Bros. Game For You! (Oh Yeah And It's Free)

So I saw this trailer come out last month during the Nintendo Direct showcase and I was intrigued because I love battle royale games while also sucking at battle royale games. My old person brain couldn't keep up with the finely tuned medulla oblangatas of kids building towers as they shot down at me while building towers above my dumbass while trying to switch between guns. Once I finally got good enough at Fortnite to get a dub, I was told it's pretty much all bots.

When Call of Duty announced Warzone, I was thrilled because I am at least decent at Call of Duty and could maybe hold my own long enough to see a Victory screen. Then I downloaded the 84395874985127985 GB file only to find out Warzone is completely different than old school CoD and I pretty much lived in the Gulag until I deleted the game so I could fit more than just one game on my PS4 hard drive.

Then Super Mario Bros. 35 came out yesterday and actually gave me a battle royale game I can actually kinda compete in. It's fun, challenging, and the perfect amount of chaos. I'll occasionally throw on Mario Bros. 1 to show some #RE2PECT to the OGs that got us to the beautiful place we are in video games and play the same way I have sex: Try to get through everything as fast possible before deciding to finish way too early then losing interest. But you can't do that in SMB 35 since killing enemies is beneficial since it makes life tougher for your opponents and also gives you extra time, which there is not a lot of to begin with and is always counting down. 

Plus let's be honest. Mario 1 is lowkey tough if you try to play every single level and beat it the old fashioned way. Not hard by any means, but definitely tough in that you have to pay attention to what you are doing without all the safety nets of the modern games. Well shit gets downright hairy once you have a bunch of extra goombas and koopa troopas and flying fish raining down from the heavens on your ass. I haven't played on a level with the hammer brothers yet, but if I do I might as well just kill myself in real life if not the game because I could barely handle one of those assholes tossing tools at me at a time. And the best part about this game is that it's free if you pay for online access on the Switch, which any gamer (or lonely person, which is a sad way of saying gamer) worth their salt does so they can play games online along with getting access to a bunch of school NES and SNES games.

I don't really know where I was going with this, but I just wanted older people like me who are sick of getting their asses kicked in new games by teenagers that they can now get their asses kicked in old games by teenagers. Super Mario Bros. 35 is quick, fun, and gives you just enough of a taste of having a chance to win that your brain will want to play it over and over and over even if it's not the greatest product out there, almost like video game nicotine.

Official Clem Video Game Review:

Giphy Images.

For any fellow Olds that made this far in the blog, which is probably 100% of the audience that did considering the subject matter and length of the blog, I wholeheartedly suggest watching the six-part docuseries about old school video games on Netflix called High Score followed by listening to KFC and Super Producer BC chop it up about the games that shaped our childhoods.