Let this be clear: I will do pretty much anything - ANYTHING - for the almighty success of any Philadelphia sports team. I will do whatever needs to be done for the first 76ers championship since '83 and for the Flyers to win their first Stanley Cup since the freaking Ford administration. I have said in the past I would personally die for an Eagles Super Bowl victory (only if it were known that was the reason of my death, Smitty statues lining up and down Broad St. is a lovely sight). I might have even said I'd eat my own dick (not confirmed) for another World Series title in my lifetime.
And let me be more clear: Forget about The Captain Of Philly, if the Phillies keep on winning and the Eagles someway, somehow take down another Lombardi, I will declare David Portnoy my own personal Lord And Savior. Simple as that. I will ride to hell on the dick of the devil himself for Philly sports glory. We'll see what happens tomorrow with the Eagles (currently +1 at home vs. the Rams), but I swear to God I will be the biggest Team Portnoy guy since before Tommy Smokes became an, and I quote, "Used Cumrag". If it needs to be done, it needs to be done. For the greater good. #GoPresGo