Le Tour de France has 21 stages and this year's race, which concludes Sunday, September 20th, covers 2,165 miles of uneven terrain, some of it damn right steep! There are 22 teams that qualified and are competing in cycling's most grueling event, which is mostly through France.
There are four jerseys, Yellow, Polka Dot, Green, and White, and they can change hands daily depending on individual stage results, but the jerseys ultimately go home with the winners on the final day.
Barstool Sports considered entering Le Tour de France, but decided to compete in "Le Tore de Pants" instead, which is a one day, 50-mile relay race where riders discard their tight-fitting Lycra and compete wearing cut-off jean shorts and tank tops. It's a bike race for the "Common Man".
Here is Barstool's official lineup of 20 cyclists competing in the Le Tour de Pants:
Team Leader: This is the rider who has the best chance of winning the final leg and the race. He will receive the coveted Yellow Jersey.
- El Presidente: Some riders choose blood doping, not El Presidente. He sticks to watermelon. He will be more hydrated than any cyclist in the race, proving that boosting the amount of watermelon in the bloodstream ensures peak athletic performance.
Two “Tandem Teams”: These guys are all about teamwork! And no one pulls that off better than Barstool! The Best Tandem team will receive matching studded-leather vests…
- Big Cat & PFT Commenter and Marty Mush & Dana B: This is what Le Tore de Pants is all about. These are the guys who usually tear their pants first! Marty Mush & Dana B are already joined at the hip, while Big Cat & PFT will prove their chemistry extends well beyond the studio. These guys are strong and can really pull, hopefully not their hammies!
Three "Sprinters": These are the strong riders with fast-twitch muscles who can win individual legs with their burst. The best sprinter will receive the Green Jersey.
- Deion Sanders, Will Compton, Paul Bissonnette: "Prime Time" has played in the MLB and the NFL, cycling in Le Tore de Pants will be a stroll in the park. Add in Will Compton and Paul Bissonnette and Barstool has the most feared sprinters in the Tore!
Three "Climbers": These riders can climb hills like Billy-goats. The King of the Mountains will receive the Polka Dot Jersey.
- KFC, Rone, Steve Cheah: As a Bucs' fan, Cheah is used to uphill battles. The same applies to KFC as a Met’s fan. Mix in Rone’s rapping ability and these three will be on full attack mode!
Two "Young Riders" (under 26): The outstanding young rider will receive the White Jersey, which has very little to do with purity and virtue…
- Lil Sasquatch, Brianna Chickenfry: Chickenfry will likely be hung-over for most of the Tore, but she will rally, and she will win the white jersey, for fuck's sake! Lil Sasquatch will be on Twitter the entire time, still finishing with a respectable time, somehow…
Three "Combative Riders": One "Super Combativity Award" will be given to the most combative cyclist of the race, usually the rider who attacks the most, as in challenges other riders. This rider will receive the Black Jersey with white skull & crossbones.
- Kirk Minihane, Brandon Walker, KMarko: As far as Combative Riders go, Barstool is stacked! But who will win the "Super Combativity Award"? My money's on Kirk!
Three "Domestiques": These are riders who work for the benefit of their team leader rather than trying to win the race for themselves. In French, Domestique translates as "servant". Domestiques are tough and are willing to sacrifice themselves so the team leader can win and get all the glory.
- Frankie Borrelli, Vindog, Tommy Smokes: These three guys will protect El Presidente from strong headwinds and the ever-present paparazzi. And, if we have to, we can meme people to death on the fly!
We'll also need,
A Director: This individual dictates the racing strategy.
- Erika: Who else? With her strategy, direction, and experience leading Barstool Sports and the Nardini Running Club (NRC), how could we possibly lose?
A Manager: This person oversees the team's sponsorships and general operations.
- Kayce Smith: She'll secure sponsorship and keep those High Nooners coming!
A Driver (team car): This person follows the riders closely, without hitting them of course, and communicates with them through an earpiece. Having a good playlist is a plus…
- The Wonton Don: Word is he can drive, he knows his way around the planet, and he looks very cool in sunglasses!
A Coach: This person directs the team's training.
- Coach Duggs: NO brainer!
Two Soigneurs: These individuals are responsible for providing food and beverage.
- 20 Dollar Chef, Chef Donny: Because winning in cycling is all about nutrition and hydration, and not just pizza and beer, but I wouldn't rule that out…
A Mechanic: This person is responsible for keeping the team bikes in tip-top shape.
- Chaps: This guy can flat out wrench! Eh, they're single speed bikes, all he has to do is keep the tires from going flat…
There you have it. TEAM BARSTOOL's lineup for Le Tore de Pants!
We have the gams, we can field a team, we can compete, and we can win!