As you've likely heard, Plaxico Burress ended up on Only Fans which turned into a semi-notable topic on Barstool Chicago radio this week. Mostly that's because we don't understand Only Fans but also because reminiscing about Plaxico Burress's
career life arc is nothing short of Extremely Amusing. Understandably, my initial view of the platform was essentially that of a landing spot for IG Models in need of a content-pivot. Like the yoga pant sponsorship money starts drying up so you take it up a notch on the hardcore scale to increase the cash flow. A sort of trading post between mirror nudes and empty compliments for a nominal monthly fee. Basically the last place you'd think a Super Bowl champion would end up in 2019.
But since it's 2020 and nothing makes sense, Plaxico (and his presumably giant dick) is hanging out on OnlyFans for your enjoyment.
From what I gathered though, OnlyFans isn't all about the sex and the visuals, but more about connecting Content Creators directly with Fans. That's basically in the mission statement. It's a no bullshit subscription service that prides itself on transparent fees and limited censorship to bring Fans exactly what they crave: content directly from the source.
In some/most cases, I believe that involves sex acts with the intent of inciting orgasms. But in other cases I sincerely think there's an established market for simply Going Behind The Scenes of a Content Creator's life. So with that in mind here's 10 guys from the NFL that I would gladly exchange automatic monthly debits from my checking account in return for a more intimate fan relationship. Take that for what it is. Here's my list.
10. Olin Kreutz: All I've ever wanted since junior high is to be on a first-name friendship basis with Olin Kreutz. If you grew up in Chicago you know what I mean. The older brother to your older brother. The #1 guy to have your back in any fight. The kinda man you would spend a whole Saturday moving furniture without a second of complaining because you just want to do physical labor with the guy. Anything that could bring me closer to Olin is a step towards the right direction. He also tans well and would have great insights into offensive line play. Easy follow off the bat.
9. Bill Romanowski: Imagine unfiltered access to daily Bill Romanowski content. This is my Monday pillbox. One of the all time pro athlete psychopaths. A complete scumbag in many authenticated accounts, but an electric content factory nonetheless. A real life WWE villain that started his career with 15 consecutive seasons of NOT MISSING A SINGLE GAME at one of the most demanding positions in the history of sport. Getting direct access to Bill would make me feel like some kind of Russian Oligarch with my own personal collection of dangerous and exotic beasts. Even if it's just a 75 minute bicep routine to start the day, or tutorials on how to eat nails for breakfast. I'm down for whatever this man wants to feed me. More on the wild man here.
8. Keith Traylor/Ted Washington: The anchors of the early 2000's Bears Defense that allowed Brian Urlacher to run wild across the middle of the defense. Arguably the coolest tandem of D-Tackles in Chicago history if you take a liberal interpretation of the word "Cool" and ignore the mid 80's. And honestly if their OnlyFans was just them hanging out crushing burgers and talking about A-gap responsibilities then that's fine by me. But on a more personal level I just love the idea of having these guys in my crew. They literally do nothing but make people around them better.
7. Greg Olsen: You're a sucker if you thought Greg wasn't making the list. Out of respect for the fact that he might actually already have an OnlyFans, I'll just say it's a wise decision.
6. Andy Reid: Hey Carl where'd you get that delicious recipe for 3-bean chili dip? Hey Carl how did you come up with the perfect marinade for this pork shoulder? Hey Carl how did you become such an expert in the short-to-intermediate passing game? My friends, please tell me there's a more valuable Content Creator to regular dudes everywhere than Andy Reid. You can't. One second you're breaking down film on how to create throwing lanes on 2nd-and-long, the next you're knee deep in Hawaiian floral pattern strategy. It's the depth of Andy Reid's knowledge that has me craving 24/7 access but also because I'm a sucker for a good mustache.
5. Sebastian Janikowski: You're probably going to need a guy with AK-47's or someone who can confidently hit from 50 yards out. So when you can get both at the same time, you have to scoop them up which is why I'm tapping the Janikowski for my feed. I imagine a lot of field goal trick shots and vodka-filled bath tubs. Maybe a decent perogi recipe mixed in there with a lot of arm wrestling his cousins and shit. Pure lawlessness but again, lots of trick shots.
4. Old Ryan Leaf: Gotta be clear here that I'm talking about the throwback version of Ryan Leaf. Not the cleaned up analyst that's moved on from a troubled past, but also not the immediate post-playing career Ryan Leaf that got into hard drugs. Instead I want the rookie version Ryan Leaf on OnlyFans documenting (in real time) the overwhelming crumble of one of the strongest football arms ever. Give me Ryan Leaf pissed off at his San Diego condo spiking the lamp after a bad game. Give me the Ryan Leaf that's getting carried out of a steakhouse in Philadelphia because they went well done on purpose and he flipped out on the wait staff. That's the Ryan Leaf I want to know better for no other reason than a few solid laughs. From one crazy person to another.
3. Tom Brady: Obviously. OBVIOUSLY. You talk about direct-to-fan content then I want to talk Tom Brady. The guy basically pioneered being a superstar athlete with a superstar life on Instagram. He has universally risen alongside every tide of change from the moment he entered our lives under Lloyd Carr, ultimately culminating with a family life that can simply be described as Better Than Yours. You'd have to be a crazy person not to get unbridled access to Tom cutting the crusts off an organic PB&J for his son. Guy oozes wholesome dad while essentially pushing large groups of people towards paganism. The closest, living, breathing thing to a bonafide deity, Tom Brady could and should break the OnlyFans servers within the first hour.
2. Bill Belichick: You don't subscribe to Tom without adding Bill and I think that's just good common sense. Just imagine a promo where one subscription unlocks 50% on the other. That's hot stuff guys. For Bill, I picture 30-60 second clips of him talking about the basics of a 3-4 defense. Little nuggets of film study interspersed with pictures of his dog and his boat. Literally anything that can bring more Bill to the world would be seen as a HUGE win. Like show me how Bill grips a pen while drawing up a play. Or how he organizes the silverware cabinet or tackles a 5-star sudoku. Even the most mundane Bill Belichick things are completely and utterly fascinating. Truly and sincerely I would go up to $19.99 for a Bill subscription should that day come and I'm not joking. Some of you are probably way north of that too, and justifiably so.
1. Jay Cutler: Vegas opened with Cutler at #1 for -900 and rightfully so. Just an overwhelming slamdunk for OnlyFans. Some would even say I drafted this entire blog for no other reason than to make this point - a sacrifice I gladly endure should I get my way. He's practically the coolest person you know and you don't even technically know him. But you're still comfortable enough extending him an invite to stand up at your wedding, or sitting through 3 seasons of Very Cavallari just for the smirk, or arguing til death that he's the most under-appreciated player in Bears history. And you're comfortable enough doing this because you've naturally come to love and adore Jay Cutler just like every other rational sports fan. So with that said, you're goddamn right Jay Cutler commands an audience on OnlyFans. Even if it's just him in a tree-stand protecting his chickens. Or just sitting on his ass watching TV and having a few beers. All of it's deadly and there's no price too high. If that makes me weird then so be it. Jay probably doesn't want to be your friend anyways.