Have Fun Being A Friendless Virgin If You're Not Wearing A Cargo Hat For The Rest Of Summer

"Oh my god. Did you just see that dude walking by with all those pockets on his hat? I bet he's got a massive hog. I totally want to bang him and do other sex stuff to him" - pretty much all of your girlfriends if you're not wearing a cargo hat. 

Here's the thing--I get that we're supposed to hate cargo shorts these days. If you wear cargo shorts in 2020, that means you probably also own a pair of White Oakley Oil Rig sunglasses and/or a pair of toe shoes. The Venn Diagram between cargo shorts wearers and people who still hate Colin Kaepernick is just one big circle. But if we, as a society, are going to get rid of cargo shorts…well then what the fuck are we supposed to do when we don't have any pockets?

Have you seen shorts these days? They're super short and they're super tight. You can barely fit an iPhone 11 into those pockets. If your wallet has anything more than a debit card and your ID, you're toast. A place to put your keys? Forget about it. 

Girls have it made. It's socially acceptable for them to walk around with pocketbooks everywhere they go. That's an entire fucking book of a pocket. But for guys, we get nothing. And now we're not even allowed to have extra pockets on our shorts. But society has another thing coming if they think they can take our pockets away from us for good. Because if you take them off our shorts, we'll just call an audible and put them on our hats. Checkmate. 

Not only are they super convenient, but it's also a super hot look. You wear a cargo hat and it automatically turns you from a soft 3 to a hard 9. Cargo hats are the wave, boys. Trust me, I know fashion like I know Swedish history.