Apparently Your Body Can Unexpectedly Make Itself Drunk And The Only Cure Is A Poop Transplant

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NY POST - Doctors claim they’ve made medical history after successfully employing a controversial fecal transplant to “cure” a Belgian man whose digestive system was making him drunk.

No, this is not The Onion; this is real life.

The 47-year-old man had reported to the hospital after experiencing inexplicable bouts of intoxication for months following a course of antibiotics, reports Science Alert. His blood-alcohol level was more than twice the US legal limit — despite the fact that he had reportedly not had a drink in four days.

As it turns out, the man suffered from auto-brewery syndrome (ABS), which is caused when gut bacteria convert recently consumed carbohydrates into alcohol, rendering the carrier drunk. And while most of us harbor these microscopic moonshiners in small quantities, the man’s condition spun out of control as the antibiotics had thrown his gut balance off-kilter.

First of all, "most of us harbor these microscopic moonshiners" is a fantastic line! Secondly, I had absolutely no idea our bodies were capable of turning carbs into viable booze. Is this why carbs are so fucking delicious and addictive? Because every time we eat a giant bowl of pasta, we're secretly getting a teeny tiny buzz? Kinda like when Coca-Cola contained actual cocaine? 

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Considering beer is made of out from grains and yeast, I guess it makes sense. I just didn't know our bodies had it like that.  

But this poor man! To get so drunk that your BAC levels are twice the legal limit when you haven't even had a lick of booze?!! That sounds absolutely miserable. If you're young, I'm sure it sounds like a blast, but you'll change your tune real quick when you get to a certain age and start to experience 3-day hangovers. This man is 47. He doesn't deserve to suffer the consequences of actions he didn't even have the chance to enjoy! 

Despite doctors prescribing heavy doses of anti-fungals and a low-carb diet, the accidental alcoholic still felt inebriated.

His condition became so bad that his wife smelled booze on his breath, and he was even ticketed for drunk driving at a police checkpoint, researchers report. 

I mean, come on! I am by no means advocating drunk driving, but what if you don't know you're drunk because you haven't actually consumed any alcohol? Now the conditions of his ticket are unclear, but… what if he ate a sandwich during a business lunch that his body - unbeknownst to him - processed into alcohol and placed him in an involuntary state of inebriation, at which point he was pulled over by cops on his way back to the office? Can you hold someone liable for an action they aren't consciously performing and are completely unaware of? 

According to the law you can. So it should come as no surprise that after dealing with drunken messes for months, this man was willing to do anything to get his life back. 

Doctors proposed a novel way to cure his inadvertent intoxication — through a poo infusion traditionally only used for certain infections. Despite the potentially fatal side effects, the man decided to go through with the fecal transplant, and used a stool sample provided by his 22-year-old daughter.

He was so desperate, he was willing to RISK HIS LIFE to put his daughter's shit inside of his body as a possible cure.

The unconventional hangover remedy worked like a charm, docs say. Three years since the procedure, the patient remains asymptomatic, and his blood-alcohol levels have returned to normal, according to the study. 

He even got his driver’s license back.

Phew, what a relief. And thank God because that would've been a shitty way to go, not to mention a real stinker of an obituary: "John Doe die at the age of 47 due to complications from a dookie transplant his daughter so generously supplied after his body decided to turn on him and fuck up his life with unexpected states of intoxication and DUIs."

I'm sure he'll never look at poo the same way again. 

Or his daughter/hero.

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(P.S. It would be wrong of me to talk about desperate moments involving poop and NOT bring up the time Bobbi Brown went all up in Whitney Houston's (RIP) booty to relieve her from painful constipation. 

As Oprah always says, “Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” Bobbie Brown was willing to wade through the mud.)