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An Open Letter To Steven A. Cohen

Dear Mr. Cohen,

I hope this letter finds you well. I assume it will because according to my latest Google search, you're worth almost 14 billion dollars. I trust that a man of your means and success has almost everything he has ever wanted. And yet, it appears theres at least one thing you still yearn for. Something that still lights your fire. As an art connoisseur, I'm sure you can understand how satisfying it is to acquire that one work of art that completes your collection. Which is why I am begging…literally begging…you to make sure you win this bid.

I write this to you as a 35 year old Mets fan. I'm a member of what I like to call "The Worst Generation." Either too young or not alive at all for the Mets most recent World Title, we've spent the last 3+ decades wallowing in misery, and, at best, mediocrity. And even our bright spot moments - 1999, 2000, 2006, and 2015 - are marred with heartbreak and embarrassment. See: Ball Four Kenny Rogers, Steamrolled in the Subway Series, Beltran Looking, Leading the World Series for 89% of the games and inexplicably losing in 5 games. Insanity. 

I'm writing this on behalf of all the life long fans who are truly questioning whether we can do this anymore. I'm a father of 2 writing this on behalf of all the other parents arriving at the depressing conclusion that it would be irresponsible to raise our children to root for the Mets franchise if its going to continue to be run the way it is. I'm writing this as a guy from the Bronx on behalf of all the second rate citizens of New York City who have effectively lived behind enemy lines our entire lives. With every newspaper headline we've ever seen reading "LOLMets" or showing us Derek Jeter lifting yet another trophy. I write this on behalf of all Mets fans bullied in school like a foreigner in his own country. On behalf of those mocked as an adult for being a grown ass, rational person still pouring my heart and soul into a franchise who quite literally does not give a fuck about how I feel. I write this on behalf of guys who took their balls and their bank account in their hands and risked their entire family's well being to create a legion of super fans who are somehow loud and proud despite the constantly tides of embarrassment. I write this on behalf of everyone who lived through:

1) The 2007 Collapse
2) The 2008 Collapse
3) Spinal Stenosis
4) Throwing firecrackers at little girls
5) Shooting reporters in the face with bleach
6) Watching our generational players fall victim to drugs only to win titles with the Yankees
7) Duaner Sanchez's cab ride
6) Generation K flopping
7) The 5 Aces flopping
8) Lastings Milledge, Fernando Martinez, Alex Ochoa/Escobar, Kevin McReynolds etc etc flopping
9) Bobby Bonilla Day every July 1
10) and most importantly, the Bernie Madoff Scandal

The list goes on and on, and thats not even including any heartbreak pre-1986. And I know you're a Mets minority owner and you know all of these moments and have seen all this heartbreak, but lets call a spade a spade. The Mets lose and you're probably annoyed for a few minutes and then going back to your awesome fucking life…or an important business deal…or a ritzy art auction…or any of the dope shit that NYC billionaires have the power to do. As common assholes who have nothing to live for other than this godforsaken team, our weeks are ruined by bullpen meltdowns. Our years are ruined from September collapses. Our lives are ruined by incompetent asshole owners and their clueless, petulant children. Our hope ruined by the dumb dickheads who got duped by the world biggest Ponzi scheme. And so theres one thing more thing you can do if you make this purchase…the one thing you can add to that list of accomplishments as one of the most successful people to ever… one thing that very few…very few…people have done:

Prop up MILLIONS of desperate people in a city currently decimated by actual struggles that make the Mets follies look like a walk in the park. The stars have aligned for you to leave your mark on baseball history…New York City history…and American history. A city loaded with a legion of red headed step children who have patiently…idiotically…for a couple of broke fucking assholes to deliver one of the hardest things in all of sports - a World Series championship. A population of people who now have real health problems and financial woes who are desperate for some beacon of hope. Some sort of release or escape where they, the perennial life long losers, can finally feel like a winner. At the risk of sounding over dramatic, you have the ability to become an immortal icon in this city. To forever change the social dynamics within this city. To give millions of metaphorically starving people the nourishment they crave. To give a city of rebels the ammunition they have so desperately lacked. The greatest underdog, rags to riches, American dream come true. Not since the pesky American Colonies turning into a global superpower will there be a better story of the ragtag team rising to prominence. 

Give us the chance to feel alive. Give us the chance to thrive. Give us the chance to turn the tables. Give the Worst Generation a chance to live the back 9 of their life with happiness. Give the Next Generation the chance to proudly wear orange and blue and not be embarrassed to do so. Do you know what happened to me when I was in high school after the Subway Series? After the 5th and final game I decided to go down with the ship and I wore my Jay Payton shirsey to school with a Mets fitted cap. Do you know what happened to me, Steve? This kid named Gary Baccalieri told me he was going to fuck my girlfriend in the ass. True story, Steve. He said "Tell her I said hi. And that I'm gonna put it in her butt." Let the kids grow up without worrying about their girlfriend's being sodomized simply for being a Mets fan loser. 

Have you ever seen Gladiator, Mr. Cohen? When Proximo tells Maximus "win the crowd…win your freedom." Well, win the crowd, and win your immortality. Turn New York City on its head…satiate the world's most starving fan base…give the city of New York the comeback story it desperately needs right now…and you become an immortal. Plenty of men are rich. Not many use that money to turn themselves into a sports legend. This is your destiny. This is our destiny. You are our salvation. We will follow you to the ends of the goddam earth with undying loyalty. 

And the best part? All you gotta do is spend that money, and in case you havent counted in a little while, just reminding you that you have a FUCK TON of it. All you have to do is pay a premium to make sure you overcome the sheer incompetence of the Wilpons. Trick a little bit more money to make that annoying gnat Jeff Wilpon disappear. To make sure that clownshow J-Rod group doesnt snake their way in the back door and be another cash strapped ownership group who blew their load acquiring this team. I admit its easy to spend another man's money…its simple for me to tell you to just sweeten the pot by an extra few hundred million dollars. I'm sure you didnt amass 14 billion dollars by being reckless with your money. But Mr. Cohen, this is why you have busted your ass for the last 64 years. Whats the point of making that money if not to spend it on the opportunity to etch your name in NYC stone? Whats the point of making "Richest Man In Baseball" money if you're not going to end up the Richest Man In Baseball? Is it absolutely INFURIATING that you had a deal in place and that fucking skunk ass loser Jeff Wilpon changed the terms like the weasel that he is? Yes, Yes it is. Is it even more infuriating that you seemingly need to sweeten the pot well beyond your already INCREDIBLY generous offer to buy a bag of shit product? I would imagine it would drive lesser men fucking insane. But I promise you this Steve Cohen - whatever pride you need to swallow to drop some extra cash come August 31st, you will receive back 10,000 fold from Mets fans. The day the news breaks that you offered 5 billion dollars for the Mets and SNY, Mets fans will already celebrate the way in which you threw your dick on the table and blew everyone out of the water. The day that we learn this was NEVER IN DOUBT, you'll already been canonized in these 5 boroughs. When we learned that Jeff Wilpon is such a pissant…such a nobody…that you were will to break off a few extra crumbs of your fortune to make him go away…the way you'd just scrape a piece of gum off the bottom of your 3,000 dollar Ferragamos…Mets fans will declare you a God right there on the spot. 

And the reaction when you bring a World Series to New York City thats not ruined by Pinstripes? I honestly cant even tell you what the reaction will be. But I know it will be worth every penny that you had to pay to get the Wilpons out of your life and ours. Dont let your business legacy and your baseball potential be ruined by the worst ownership group in baseball and the most clueless businessmen in New York. The thought that the real life Bobby Axelrod would ever be stopped from achieving something because of JEFF AND FRED WILPON is simply not an option. Deliver us from evil.

Win the bid, win your immortality.